Lol^^^

so to baby seals walk into a club.......ohhh enviromental people wont like that one



I know its stupid...some guy said it to me when we were working on the tanks at work..lol

^Took me a minute, but I got it :tup:


Seal Club Clubbing Club FTW!

(Somewhat racist but take it in good humor, if not I'll remove)

Q: How do you know if a Polish man is at the cockfight?
A: He's the one that brought the duck.

Q: How do you know if an Italian man is at the cockfight?
A: He's the one betting on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is involved in the cockfight?
A: The duck wins.

(this is better said out loud than read)


Q: What is six-point-nine?


A: It's 69 interrupted by a period

Male vs. Female at the atm machine
 

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way..

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone..

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

:icon18: its so true :roflpuke2:

I rofl

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.
Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College
and sign up for some classes.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and
Logic.
'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed
up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.'

hahahahah good one dreamer

That was an email I got this morning, funny because it came from a "redneck." :p

hahha nice

Didn't see the punchline coming, pretty decent.

ya know all us rednecks down here from georgia resent that :icon18:

Do you own a house?

^hahahha

:happydance:

uh an apartment but i have a weed eater:rofl2:

So you are bi....:icon14:

:roflpuke2: no

:tup:

well no that i think of it im not quite sure what i do when i drink :icon17:

:bowrofl:

rofl.. where is this thread going! :roflpuke2:

Well where are you going tonight. ;)

not quite sure kinda drinkin:happydance:

rofl

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'


He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT..

Here is one that'll make a few people uneasy

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

















She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

(Old joke that I suddenly remember; I make some parts up but the punch line is the same!)

A male passenger boards a TWA flight from Los Angeles to Chicago. The flight takes off without issue, and twenty minutes in, the flight attendants being their in-flight refreshment service.

The young stewardess pulling the cart along the aisle stops next to the passenger.
"What would you like to drink?"

The man replies, "What do you have?"

"We have water, soda, TWA coffee..."

"...I'd rather have some TWA tea."

:icon18: messed up

Something new today kids, lets learn new words and phrases!

Today's Lesson:
http://static.open.salon.com/files/c...1226412761.gif

Spousebroken: /Spows-bro-ken/ adj., Trained, especially by one's spouse, to have habits that are appropriate for indoor living. n., The happy period in a marriage, which occurs once the husband has been fully domesticated.

Sentence: My sexiest man alive happily washes the windows, cleans the toilets, and jumps into bed whenever I say "Do!", now that he is completely spousebroken.

Etymology: Spouse - a person's partner in marriage. Broken -- to train to obedience; tame. (But the dictionary also says to ruin financially; make bankrupt, which also fits... Ha!)

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course.

They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man.

"And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

" The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.

The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.

Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yup."
"Where did he go?"
"Your house."

:confused:

the guy buying the condoms is ******* the other guys wife... hahah buys the condoms and laughs as he heads over to the guys house while he's sitting there working..

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A: A red headed Bitch with a yeast infection.

Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Two buddies are at the golf course. The first guys tees off, hooks badly to the left and the second guy tees off and slices badly to the right. They both decide to meet at the green after they find their balls.
First guy, finds his ball in a butter cups patch and starts hacking away trying to get out flinging butter cups everywhere. At this moment, mother-nature appears and scolds him for his destruction of the butter cups and tells him: “No more butter for you for a year”.
After absorbing the sentence, he starts laughing out loud. Mother-nature responds:
“Do you think this is funny?”
The first guy replies: “No, I’m not laughing at you mother-nature. I’m laughing at my buddy who landed in the field of pussy willows…”

ok it's been a couple days now...bump for more jokes...got anything Togo?

Lol, i've been slacking off..


I'll go post up some. :)