Q: What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?
A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
blowjob.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your ****?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

There are 4 kind of sex.

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F**K YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m gonna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back. OK. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks horrified, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And what about Tigger?"

What does a kiss taste like?
 

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom
before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. When the owner read the card with the flowers, it said “Rest in Peace” The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

A man walks into a drug store with his 12-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? "

The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!"

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

^hahha f

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

:icon18: Yes! :happydance:

Funny Drunk Texts With Area Codes
 

(613): she was blowing me and i farted, she gave me a high five and kept going.

(740): I would plow her like an amish guy supporting his family

(330): "why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonald's?"... sent: "you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn't make those you tried to call 911."

(831): I just had a conversation with my cat in the shower about pancakes. We both like them a lot.

(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? ... (rec'd): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

(702): I just woke up naked and covered in skittles. Best night ever?

(303): (sent): DUDE! MY MOM GOT TAKEN BY ALIENS! (rec'd): lol wtf? (sent): don't LOL. its 3am and shes not home. this has NEVER happened! (rec'd): its cool i just got a txt from them saying she'll be home tmro. (sent): UR A F*CKIN LIAR! they cant speak english dumbass! (rec'd): iPhone translation. there's an app for that.

(215): I got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section.

(401): I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said "Hi, I'm ashley." I think I'm in love!

(330): Sent last night: "I'm textn and bang'n your sister right now, how many points do I get?" Recv'd back: "you ************"... Replied: "She's next."

(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

(570): Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til i google all over your facebook?

(608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

(604): you were about to get laid, but on your way to the bedroom you saw a Burger King paper crown. you ditched the girl and pranced around my house yelling "I AM FOOFY, KING OF THE SEALS!"

(919): I just punched a cop in the face while dancing in a parking lot, its ok, it was my stepdad and he bought me more beer cause he said he didn't want to ruin "what looked like a good night"

(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

(732): You sent me 45 texts saying "meow".

(937): Had sex with a girl and when I was about to cum... I pulled out and shoved it in her mouth... she said...how did you know I liked that... keeper???

(330):"which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?" sent:"Neither, because it's twelve."

(337): She told me that for my birthday, she would get the word "HARDER" tattooed on her lower back. I love this girl.

(303): I was wondering why the cops were making such a big deal then I realized I was naked

(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

(316): omg bring my wallet when you come get me tonight. i'm buying a ******* giraffe.

(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

(630): Received: "Who did I **** last night, cuz my bed smells like her perfume. She smells niceeeeee." Sent: "Im still here, just in the living room playing Xbox360. you smell good too."

(703): (recieved) I wish I was a penguin. (sent) Why? (recieved) because then I would look like I'm wearing a tuxedo 100% of the time, and that's classy.

(818): she started singing "eye of the tiger" mid-****...

(248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge ****, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

(402): This is NO TIME for pants!

(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti.

(304): my dad just found tit marks on my winshield LOL

(775): Received last night: "before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal."

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (rec'd): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

(303): i found you in the kitchen naked, eating ice cream and ramen, and rapping about beaing on a boat. :D

(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

(352): I just did a guy and his brother. Then gave me a bottle of captain and a key to their house. Victory?

(754): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

(607): (sent) Can you cum for me in a cup, my boyfriend just came on my tits and in my hair, I want to get him back (rec'd) DUDE, i'm his best friend, you know how sick that is? (sent) please? (rec'd) come give me a blow job and you can keep what you get out of me. (sent) deal on my way. (rec'd) got a boner already

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

(330): First off: I'm drunk so **** you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: **** 3 Doors Down

(330): Holy **** there are a ton of zombies coming for me. Meet me at taco bell to plan a revenge asap.

(330): Is it just me or do most whores also suffer from narcolepsy?

(330): i was preparing myself to do the alphabet backwards but they didnt make me do it.

(330): dude you missed out last night man, i was soooo hammered but i nailed the hottest bitch ever in the middle of jakes living room while everyone was playing kings (sent): tom said you smoked laced **** and drank the rest of that bottle of tequila and when everyone was plying you got on the table and started jacking off. LOL (recv'd): dude no i would remember that you **** (sent): tom sent me the video..

^hahha that was a good read!

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed....

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

^ I thought about changing it to a 370 driver but i'm too lazy to changer biker to driver and tool box to glove box and saddle bags to trunk soo yeah..

Not quite as funny as that last one, but here we go:

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

:icon17:

"(608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba""

hahahaha i **** myself reading that

:icon18: AWESOME POSTS man... +1 rep togo

Question:"How did Pinocchio finally figure out he was made of wood?"

Answer:"His hand caught on fire!"

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."


Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."




Moral: Old men can still think fast.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

They call 911 and the ambulance takes him to the hospital where his doctor meets him and checks him out. He says, "How bad is it, Doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin."

The doctor tells him, "I'll have to put a splint on it to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He takes four tongue depressors, forms a neat little 4-sided splint, and tapes it all together: an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

That night, in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal herself. She says, "You're the first. No one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, "You think that's something? Look at this, still in the CRATE!"

LMAO!!!! :tup:

Thanks for the rep Chris, and you too Simota. :tiphat:


I got ya guys back :D

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."


:inoutroflpuke:

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone...

The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3.Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

:icon18::icon18::icon18:

^Yeah i really liked that one.. :D

Hi folks. new member here. welcome me. Travel trailer covers
 

Hi, I’ve mostly just been lurking on this forum for a while now but I came across something recently and to be honest, I want to give something back – because a lot of you have helped me out, even if I didn’t post to say thank you at the time! I came across a site which sells travel trailer covers and RV covers. Their products are really good and the price is riight. I highly recommend you guys to visit the site and have a look.RV Covers I am an internet geek and I search for cool sites. This one is ubercool and thought this might be of help to you guys. I will share more like this in the near future. Bye for noe. :)

reported RoryOrete as

yeah because i really am going to go get a uhaul hitch installed on my z and then im going to buy a camper...

and then im going to give you reps everyday for sharing this wonderful site with us and saving me sh!t tons of money on a camper cover!!!


seriously :shakes head: