hahaha, I love bash.org ; it's my favorite!

It's so bad that I get this. It actually made me laugh out loud :facepalm:

QDB: Quote #2550

<_p> my lack of morals has absolutely nothing to do with my loins.
<_p> it just so happens that many immoral acts that are genuinely worth doing involve my dick.

:bowrofl:

<Draven> w0ot. 150 MB porn movie done!
<kaMIKazE> nice
<+RedvaldezAWAY> not bad Cow
<@murder1> wd d/l a 150 mb movie when all you're gonna last is at 500kb



Guys, I'm hooked....

[IMG]A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown. He notices a small bronze statue of a rat. He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it". The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat. As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him. He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him. He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown. The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story". The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"[/IMG]

A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day,
for a long, long time.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray. "Pardon me, sir, I'm from CNN. What's your name?... See More
“Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
He replied, "For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?", she asked.
He said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
She asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fukkin' wall."

a inventor goes down to the patent office, he has created a flavored apple. he has created an apple that tastes like roast beef. hes very excited, takes his ticket at the office and takes a seat,... he waits... and waits...his ticket number is called, takes it to the clerk.... the inventor lays the apple out on the counter and the clerk says "this is just an apple", and the inventor says, "take a bite"...clerk does so,..."this tastes like roast beef!"...,inventor asks him to turn it over and take a bite of the other side. Clerk does so..."this tastes like apple pie!"...pause....the clerk tells the inventor "you know,...we'd make a fortune if you made an apple that tastes like pussy!...we could sell it to the porn industry and make millions!" The inventor realizes he's right and says " ya, ya! okay I'll do that"...month passes by...inventor comes to the patent office, same routine, takes his number, and waits, and waits...clerk calls him up again and the inventor proudly lays the apple on the counter. the clerk excitedly grabs the apple and takes a bite quickly! Clerk spits out apple "this is horrible! This tastes like ****!"...the inventor tells him to turn it over :roflpuke2:

:roflpuke2::roflpuke2::roflpuke2:

FINALLY read tgis entire thread. Took me all week lol. Epic laughs guys!

Well since you're all caught up, I guess I should start updating it.


I'm shocked at you Phelan, you really haven't been hounding me to update lately.. lol.

Yes you should lol I need a little cheering up after this horrible work week. Epic lulz live in this thread! Thanks Togo.

Need a pick me up? At least your not this guy...

http://www.the370z.com/lounge-off-to...s-package.html

TOP 8 MORONS

1 . WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everthing in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER.....THIS IS TRUE..... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

God damnit br0go. Stop making me :rofl2: as work. I'm supposed to be serious here! :bowrofl:

Two tampons were crossing the street and they see a friend. Which one waves?




















Neither, they are both stuck up cunts.

:tiphat:

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

Lol Chris, I saw that thread. I'm stuck in traffic, and in an hour and a half I have to be ready to dj a birthday party. The bad part is I won't be home for another hour :(

Are you sure this was at the pentagon, and not at a TSA Screener? :bowrofl:

:ohsnap1:

:roflpuke2:

WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


Gravity works, I've tested it....often!!!

^^^^^ that one is great!

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crisssssssco.

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3.

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife, She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

"Lard ass."

So I was playing Uno last night with some mexicans... But the f*ckers kept stealing all the green cards, so I left. :ugh2:

Hmm and where did you hear this joke I wonder... lol:bowrofl:

Wait... I just read this the other night? Did I actually tell it to you and John though? Can't remember now.. lol.

I didn't hear it from either of you, and I told him lol So I dunno what your talking about. :bowrofl:

:tup::bowrofl:

Oh, I got one.

"Here is a story I want to share with you. During the time I was dating my wife her sister was constantly flirting with me. She was gorgeous but nothing more than harmless flirting came out of it. Eventually I proposed to my now wife and the day before our wedding her sister called me over to her house saying she had a gift for me. I asked her to bring it over or give it to me on the day of our wedding but she said that it was not possible and I had to go pick it up.

I arrived at her house and knocked, realized the door wasn’t locked and so I yelled into the house to see if she was around. She told me to go upstairs. I could hear music playing and the sweet scent of candles. I followed both of these till I reached the bed room and there she was on her bed, more beautiful then ever, telling me that it was the last chance before I got married and we should make something happen.

I turned around and walked back down the stairs and saw her father standing there with a Shotgun, he took me into his arms and said that his daughter is very lucky to have a great guy like me and that he told her younger daughter to see if I would be faithful.

The moral of the story?

Keep your condoms in your car.”

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."

He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"

She quickly replied, "M"!

Hope this isn't a repost.

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. She asked me to meet her upstairs in her bedroom for one last fling. I was stunned watching her walk up the stairs. I made a beeline straight to the front door and headed straight to my car! Lo and behold all my fiance's family were standing outside clapping, proud that I had passed their test. The moral of the story..... Always keep your condoms in the car!

...more than one way to skin a cat then O_o;

Two posts up. :roflpuke2:
Technically a different version, but same story in the end.

@ SEMTEX

lol that was just posted two above you

D'oh! I fail. :facepalm:

:iagree:

+ rep for having same type of Humor lol.

There is a blonde on one side of the river and a brunette on the other side.
The brunette yells to the blonde "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The blonde replies "You are already on the other side!"