Dear Disgusting Neighbor,

I don't mind that you are fat. I don't mind that you are ugly. I don't mind that you have huge, purple patches of scaling psoriasis all over your body. I don't mind that you have fungus underneath your plastic, frosty pink fingernails (sadly, you've shown me more than once). And since I have a very high fence, I don't even mind if you have sex in your hot tub with your excessively hairy, chain-smoking, rotted front tooth, unwashed boyfriend any time of the day or night.

But I DO mind being in the middle of a much-needed gardening project and being bombarded with 'OH GOD, OH GOD, YES, YES, OH GOD...' coming through the fence with such intensity and volume that my dogs stopped dead in their tracks, looked at the fence, looked at each other, looked at me and then fixated on the fence until you presumably 'came' (an hour later) and shut the hell up.

Now Neighbor, you know I work 12 to 16 hours a day for the majority of my waking life- in other words, I AM SELDOM HOME (you've made it abundantly clear that you keep track of my 'comings and goings') giving you unlimited time and space to do your loud rutting where ever and when ever you desire. So why, for the love of everything Holy, have you chosen to share your, 'DEEPER, DEEPER...'grunt, grunt, grunt, slap, qweef, grunt, 'DEEPER...YES, YEEEEEEES...' with me, my poor way-past-the-point-of-needing-to-be-in-dirt tomato seedlings and my worried dogs in the middle of my ONE measly day off? I'm not a prude, I'm not a religious fanatic and nobody likes a good, sweaty boink more than me- but JesusMaryMotherOfGod- as you fake-screamed (I guess you forgot you told me you were non-orgasmic during intercourse) all I could see in my minds eye were the two of you sloshing and f*cking in a luke-warm, bacteria saturated, hair, sloughed skin and old sperm soup and I swear to GOD it was everything I could do not to vomit.

Ugh... In summation, Neighbor; I somehow got my tomatoes in the ground so please feel free to continue your loud, ugly, germy f*cking. The only thing I ask, is just PLEASE do it when I'm not home, which may I remind you, is MOST of the time

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

A man runs into his house yelling and screaming. His wife asks what all the commotion was about. He looked at her and said

"Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

His wife also became very excited, and she responded

"How should I pack? Warm or cold weather?"

The husband responded

"I don't care, just get the **** out!"

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that
his zipper was down and his fly area is wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said "boss this morning
when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

this was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into
his office looking a bit puzzled, when he was about done with his
paperwork he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up.
He zipped up and remembering what his secretary has told him,
finally understood. Then he intentionally went out to ask for a
cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, he said "when you saw the garage door
open did you see my hummer parked in there?"

the secretary smiled for a moment and said "no boss i didn't,
all i saw was a mini van with 2 flat tires"

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very
delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

I LOL'd...

I LMFAO... BWAHAHAHAHAHA:bowrofl:

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys -smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits....... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"

A couple in their nineties is both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets
up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You had better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second, one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third, one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"12:30."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have
just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there
is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese,
but no Arabs or Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why
there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush cracked a little grin, leaned toward the Iranian
ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the
future."

Ok thats it... some aren't so great but whatever.. got a plane to catch. .hahahaha

oOoOOoOoOooOOoooooooooooooo! :owned:

...bump...anyone got anything for Friday?

here...this one is from a different forum:

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas , who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time 'working girl.'

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Since we have some females on the board.. i'll post some jokes for hte ladies.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."



And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."


The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

You don't have to tell a joke, just set the temperature down real low in the 'Gentlemans Section' of the forum and they'll get all the entertainment they want. :bowrofl:

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Lol... :bowrofl:

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

LoL :bowrofl:

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have
one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy

Yet again more proof women are evil lol

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

What if you've got the high pitched squeaks?! :icon17:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

lol idk.. might be a dilemma