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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, " Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff." The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish." |
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot high." |
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says,"License and registration,please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" |
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An Arab-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Muslim facilities were completely full, so they ended up putting him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here and he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here who is 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Arab!" |
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Love it! Keep them coming if you can. It's Friday!
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6 Foot *******
While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?” To which she replied, “I’m late for work.” “Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?” “I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded. The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?” “Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.” “And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?” he asked. “You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…” Traffic Ticket – $95.00 Court Costs – $45.00 The Look on Cop’s Face – PRICELESS |
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:rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2: :rofl2: :roflpuke2:
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later,the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper |
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." |
knock knock
who's there? JoeD JoeD who? JoeD the douche ya dumba$$ |
A fireman came home from work one day and told his spouse, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say bell 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "bell 4!" "What the hell is bell 4?" asked the husband? "Roll out more hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!" |
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Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time." |
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" |
As always.. feel free to rep if you found any of my jokes funny :tiphat:
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teasers FTL..... hahaha.......haha......ha
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Ten Commandments
Ebonics Style Sometimes you have to get the message across as best you can. Try this for those who can't understand the King James Version: 1. I'm God. Don't play me. (I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me.) 2. Don't be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me. (Thou shalt not have any graven images) 3. Don't be callin' me for no reason (Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain) 4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday, and not just the Sundays when it's Mother's day, Easter and Christmas (Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy!) 5. Don't dis or cuss out yo momma.... and if you know who ya daddy is, don't dis him neither. (Honor thy father and thy mother) 6. Don't be goin' on no drive bys. (Thou shalt not kill) 7. Stick to ya own Boo. (Thou shalt not commit adultery) 8. Don't be borrow'n stuff and not be giving it back. (Thou shalt not steal) 9. Don't be snitchin' on yo homie to save yo own butt. (Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother) 10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yo homie 's crib, ride, woman, or nuttin. (Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother) |
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of dicks are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only." |
How many members of the forum does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 1 douche to argue that the light bulb needs to be dyno'd to show it operates better than the orginal 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. |
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OK, Here's one...
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" |
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haha i saw it coming but i lol'd anyways... +rep |
...it's almost the end of the week...a little help here?
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Chinese Sick Day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss, I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her "give me sex". That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again; "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house." |
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. |
^nice lol Thanks!
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hahahhaha nice joke togo
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More to come tomorrow. I'll make sure I make Friday good because 1, it's friday and 2, because I'll be gone all weekend and won't be using my comp. :D |
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OK... you a vtech at the Strats??? I'm FCS there. |
Lesson of the day - never lie to your mother
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than meets the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote this: __________________________________________________ ________ Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian __________________________________________________ ________ Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: __________________________________________________ ________ Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom |
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." |
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hehehe i posted a variation of this one :D |
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year." |
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