Joke of the Day
 

Well I've seen this thread on a couple other forums and it always turned out to be a blast, yet I haven't seen it here so I thought I might as well be the one to start it. It should be pretty self explanatory so I'll just start it off.

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

*******.

Bitch.

At first I didn't want to read that too many paragraphs. But then I saw the last two words, so I read the intro with what they had to do and then continued reading. Random as hell, but brings some lolz. Good post

I lol'd. That was pretty funny.

That seriously has me laughing out loud at work. That is great.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
 

Yeah it was kinda long, this one might be a bit too but quicker to read.



------------
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

WOW! So random but seriously funny :rofl2:

I agree with smurfblu13.

0-200 in 6 seconds!
 

**feel free to http://www.the370z.com/images/reputa...tation_pos.gifrephttp://www.the370z.com/images/reputa...tation_pos.gif me if you like any of the jokes :D**

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

:icon18::icon18::icon18:

There's kid, and he goes to school 1 day and the teacher asks: what part of the body goes to heaven 1st?

Then this girl raises her hand, the teacher waits for her answer: the head, because it does a lot of thinking, so it goes to heaven first.

The teacher asks again: what part of the body goes to heaven first?

This boy raises his hand, the teacher waits for his response: the hands, because they do a lot of work, so they deserve to go to heaven first.

The teacher asks for the last time: what part of the body goes to heaven first?

Finally, the kid raises his hand and answers: the feet!

The teacher asks: why?

the kid: one night, I walked into my parents' bedroom and saw my mother's feet in the air, and she was screaming: OH GOD, OH GOD!!!!

:icon18: hahah

:bowrofl:
That's what she said. :stirthepot:

:bowrofl:

Blonde Paint Job
 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

So a priest a minister and a Rabi are sitting in a bar. They start talking about the money from collection. The priest says here is what I do I draw a circle stand in the middle of it throw the money up whatever lands outside the circle I keep whatever lands inside I give to god. The minister says I do something simulator I draw a circle stand in the middle of it I throw the money up whatever lands inside the circle I keep whatever lands outside I give to god. The Rabi says I do something similar I stand up make a circle throw the money up whatever stays in the air I give to god whatever lands of the floor I keep.

Bill Gates, Pres Obama, and the national security guy were all flying in the air. They start talking about helping people. The national security says I can throw a 1000 dollar bill out the window and make someone happy, Bill gates says I can throw 5 100 dollar bills out and make 5 people happy. Obama says I can make 100 people happy and throw 1000 100 dollar bills out the window. The pilot yells back to them and says I can make millions happy and crash this plane!

Guy is at a bar and he keeps drinking and drinking and drinking. The bartender says your done I am cutting you off. He says I am not drunk at all goes to get up falls flat on his face. He gets up and says maybe I am a little drunk. Goes to take another step falls flat on his face. So he crawls to the door and gets up and opens the door falls flat on his face. He says okay I probably am drunk. So he crawls home gets home and there are stairs. So he gets up to go up them and goes to take a step and falls again. So he went to sleep at the bottom of the stairs. In the morning the wife wakes up and sees that he is not in bed and goes to the top of the stairs and yells down. I see that you were out drinking last night he looks up and says why do you say that. She replies the bar called you left your wheelchair there.

:icon18: I've heard that last one before but it always gets me.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

:icon18:...I wouldn't tell this to my Jewish friends though.

so super man gets really horny one day and decided to find a girl. so he fly's around gotham and sees wonder woman tanning on top of the justice league building butt naked full spread eagle so he says to himself you know i'm super man i'm faster than a speeding bullet i could swoop down and be in and out before she knows it. so he circles around fly's down does his thing and is out. wonder woman looks up and say what the h*$$ was that and invisible man says idk but my a$$ really hurts
-hollow man-

:icon18: But I remember this in middleschool...Gosh, do you guys/gals remember Blanch Knott's "Truly Tasteless Jokes?" Nothing was sacred: racism, politics, sexism, stereotypes...

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

HAHA! :roflpuke2:

+1 !!

One day Piere was tired of his wife's cat the clawing up the furniture so he told his wife he was going to get rid of the cat in the morning and she said whatever. So in the morning he put the cat in the car and went 50 miles north put the cat outside the car and took off. When he go home the cat was in the driveway. Upset he said in the morning he will be going for a ride again to get rid of the cat. So in the morning he takes the cat 100 miles north. Puts the cat on the side of the road and leaves the cat there. When Piere got home the cat was in the driveway. The next day Piere takes the cat 250 miles away he goes north, south, east and west back tracks and goes in circles. Then he puts the cat on the side of the road. He sits in his car for an hour. He then calls his wife and says honey look outside and tell me if you see anything in the driveway? She says yes I see the cat. Piere says "Put the stupid cat on the phone I am lost!"

Two men were wandering around in the woods and began to get thirsty. They finally found a well and wanted to get some water but wanted to see how far down the water was and decided to throw a rock. The couldnt find any small rocks but found a boulder that they decided to throw it in. Right after they threw it in they saw a goat run and jump into the well. After seeing the goat jump in they decided not to drink water from that well and went to find another. Before leaving the well a farmer came by and asked them if they had seen a goat. They said "Yeah your stupid goat jumped into this well." The farmer replies "Thats funny because my goat was tied to a boulder!?"

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus".

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely
quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Breakthrough in Weight Loss Technology

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing
but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A
few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her
and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and
is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5 day/20 lb. program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's
definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for
the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has
lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft. man standing there wearing
nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Ok thats 3 for today.. more tomorrow :D

lmao

Ok, the blonde joke was good.

It is tomorrow give me jokes LOL