Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold .. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!!

Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...as I ra n home, I kept hearing a voice yelling.......
"THAT'S NACH-YO CHEESE"

This lady is giving birth in the hospital and the doctor delivering the baby delivers it, cuts the embilical cord, and then throws the baby really hard against the wall. The mother and father start freaking out when the doctor picks up the baby by it's leg and slams it against the wall again. Then he picks up what's left of the baby, smiles at the devistated parents and says "i'm just fuckin with you, it was already dead"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Ok so this one walks a fine line but those of you open enough to the existence of stereotypes might enjoy it. If this offends anyone then I'm sorry but you probably need thicker skin. :D




10 Things Black and Latin people know but White people won't admit:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
6. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
7. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
8. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Kissing your pet is not cute.
10. Rap music is here to stay.

10 Things White and Black people know but Latin people won't admit:

1. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
2. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies
3. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
4. Hickey's are unattractive.
5. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
6. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
7. 10 people to a car or home is considered too many.
8. Jesus is not a name for your son.
9. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store can get your BUTT whooped (or theirs).

10 Things White and Latin people know but Black people won't admit:

1. Tupac is dead.
2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did it
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. RED is not a kool-aid flavor (it's a color).
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Your pastor doesn't know everything.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'

Ok well that should get me just about up to date

so mike gets a call from the doctor and the doctor says i have good news and i have bad news which do you want first? mike says i want the good news first, so the doctor continues to say well mike your going to die in 24 hours. mike is floored with what the doctor has told him and responds with well what is the bad news; well mike the bad news is i forgot to call you yesterday.

ahahahahahahaha

wait, i shoulda saved these for thew eekday! noooo TOGO MOAR!!

^ hahah phelan.. i'll keep em coming :D

Question: What do you get when you cross a polock with a mexican?




Answer: A kid that spraypaints his name on a chain-link fence

A Texan, a Frenchman & a Canadian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says,

"What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Frenchman pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The Canadian can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"

The Frenchman says "In France there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the Canadian pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Frenchman.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"

The Canadian says, "Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Frenchmen, but beer bottles are worth a dime."

Here is an incredible story about an elephant's memory...

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot.

There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted twice loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted twice loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Actually I think it would sound more like this...
:tup:

A Texan, a Frenchman & a Canadian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says,

"What are you doing, Eh?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey, Eh!"

The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Frenchman pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots at it. However he misses because as wars have shown, the French aren't exactly the best 'warriors'. The Canadian can't believe this and says, "How could you miss that, it was right there, Eh!"

The Frenchman says "In France, we spend more time running than shooting."

So a while later the Canadian pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Frenchman.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"

The Canadian says, "Well, everyone else has done it, why can't I, Eh?."

^ lmao

lol chris.

:tup:

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains "

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches "

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her new computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows"

One Room Schoolhouse In Georgia

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T.

Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked "Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain it means "To Our Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain that means "To Our Teacher With Love".

The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying "F. U .C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means "From Us Colored Kids"

It's not a story, but a pic... Enjoy.

http://images.mix.com.au/2009/09/18/...ian-fail-3.jpg

New idea, here's the pic, now make a caption for it... ready? GO!

Bad pick up lines

I know there are a ton of these but I'm just putting up a few...

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special?

My love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a lightswitch away.

Man - Fat Penguin!
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

This one is my personal favorite:

Man- Hey were you raised on a chicken farm?
Girl- No, why?
Man- Cause you sure are good at raising cocks!

This will teach her to talk during the big game!

Now she won't have a bigger ass than our Ass

Ok thats all I got...

lol

A similar one I know is

How much does a polar bear weigh?
IDK
Enough to break the ice.


I like the penguin one more though being that it's more random :D

If you want something random you could always try...

You: Hello ma'am may I feel your bre*st?
Her: Uh no, WHY?!
You: Because ma'am, I work at the American Breast Cancer Research Society and I am tasked with doing research between the relation to bre*st firmness and Bre*st Cancer.
Her: And you need to feel MINE because...??
You: Because it's clinically proven that doing continuous self checks means you have a much higher chance of finding a lump before it becomes cancerous. I'm trying to see if it is easier to find a lump in softer bre*sts than firm ones due to the tightness of the muscle tissue which might hinder you from finding a lump.
Her: Wow, I never thought about it like that before... Ok, should we go to the bathroom?
You: Wherever you feel comfortable ma'am...

(Then In The Bathroom, during your 'exam')

Her: Uhhh... What's the camera for...??

<CLICK>

You: ...Run LOL


I know it has no real point, but this is how bored I am at work lol.

^ LOL thats good

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

^ Hahaha

:icon18:

A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I goin get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trini woman in the passenger's seat... "He's a smart donkey when he drunk." This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thiefin car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it 'crass di barder yet?"

The Canadian Highway Patrolman smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the driver. "I always loved the island talk, but I could never understand it. Have a nice day."

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper'. I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management


PLUS: 5 reasons not to be a penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an *******
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

Lol seen those last five. I.ll write one when i get home

#1:

Doctor comes into the patient's room. "I have some good news, and some bad news."
The patient goes, "What's the good news?"
The doctor responds, "Your penis will be two inches longer and one inch wider."
The patient says "That's great! But what's the bad news?"
The doctor simply says, "Malignant."

^hahah