An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire,"

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens,"

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also December 1st, twice on the 3rd, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful!

Your Wife/Mistress/GF/Sig. Other/Night Visitor/ FwB/etc. doesn't shop at Home Depot does she?! :confused: :wtf2: :roflpuke2:



Edit: Togo's scared of the W word, so I added in extra selections. :tup:

WIFE?!?! Woahhhhh...



I think the "W" word should be sensored. :tup:

Edited. :happydance:

haha no, she doesn't shop at Home Depot :inoutroflpuke:

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

hmmm well that really depends on how hard you are throwing them

Since were on the topic of dead babies...

A woman goes into Labor and gets taken to the hospital. During the birth, she passes out from the pain. After a while she wakes up to the sight of the Doctor swinging her baby around in the air by the umbilical cord. Round and round it goes till finally he lets go of it and SPLAT!!!!

"OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" She screams. "WHY DID YOU JUST KILL MY BABY?!?!"

The doctor replies, "April Fools! It was already dead."

That's just wrong:icon18:

Yeah, I'm prolly gonna burn in hell for that one lol.

Good thing I just finished beating Dante's Inferno, so I know how to maneuver my away around and get redeemed. :happydance:

On the dead baby topic...


What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.

What's funnier than a dead baby in clown suit?

Nothing...

since we're talking about clowns

What the worst part about having sex with a 9 year old?

Getting the blood stains out of your clown suit

/def going to hell :)

Hey man.. nothing wrong with that..

If they are old enough to pee, then they are old enough for me!:tup:

:ughdance: ...yea....everyone is going to hell... I guess I'll see you guys there

I thought it was "old enough to bleed old enough to breed". But I like "incest is the best put your cousin to the test"

The bleed one is also true, but lets face it.. do they bleed or pee first? I want to get in there ASAP!



I'm glad I'll know people in hell:roflpuke2:

this was from fmylife.com

all FML moments which is what this website is all about.

Here was a post from a chick. Not really a joke..but a hilarious moment.

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good.
Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

lol togo i was just about to yell at you :D

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit at exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says proudly. The officer, chuckling, explains that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing our her error. "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off route 142."

:tup:

:bowrofl:

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this, then returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great...that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

:icon18: :icon18: :icon18:

:roflpuke2::roflpuke2::roflpuke2:

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to
the Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

Frost just farted out literature... :tup:

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me.

"Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says, "I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here".

The next dog said, "I peed on my masters $1,000 rug".

The next dog then comes in and say's, "My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".

"And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "Yeah, I'm getting my nails clipped."

Questions that have confused (and may still confuse) us:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I think I'll eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt"?

Why do toasters have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp, which no human would want to eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge, and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?

Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when you undress if they're going to be up close and personal in there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto is on all fours? (They're both dogs!)

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they even dream?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy Acme rockets, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electronics, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Do illiterate people get a kick out of alphabet soup?

Why do dogs get angry when you blow in their face, but when you take them for a car ride they stick their head out the window into the wind?

Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay.

Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says:

Yep, diesel fitter"

:facepalm: :gtfo2:


:inoutroflpuke:

I think I posted this one already....

This guy is telling his buddies, "Last week I took my wife to the beach. We had a blast! First she buried me in the sand and then I buried her in the sand."



"Next year I'm going back to dig her up!"

The teacher is reading the class a fairy-tale when she asks little Johnnie if he has a fairy godmother. Little Johnnie replies

"No, but I got an uncle I'm not too sure about!"

Paddy the Irishman is at the doctors office and the doctor is looking in his mouth and says "Paddy what in the world made your tongue so black?"

Paddy replies "I dropped me bottle of whiskey on a freshly tarred road."

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"

Edited for Correct location. :tup:

hahah:tup:

To US NY'ers, anyone south of Jersey might as well all be the same.. hahaha

ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg **** you you ******* prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight *******
cyph33r: YOU ARE A ******* FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I ******* HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
cyph33r: **** OFF YOU ******* *******


QDB: Quote #829281