i knw I did

Life Thoughts
 

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.


Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter.


Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.


I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.


Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.


There is a great need for sarcasm font.


Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.


I think everyone has a movie that they love so much it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.


How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.


A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.


Was learning cursive really necessary?


LoL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".


I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.


My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name.He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.


Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".


How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?


I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an ******* from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.


MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.


Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you
can wear them forever.


I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


Bad decisions make good stories.


Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!


Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?


If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.


Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....


You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.


Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.


There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.


"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.


I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'


While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.


I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.


I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.


Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...


As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.


Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.


I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the act that I was not aware of my condition in college.


Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.


Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my *** everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...


My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?


It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.


I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.


I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

How a Woman Showers

Take off clothes and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

***(If you see husband along the way, quickly cover up all exposed areas)***

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental not to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint Conditioner (enhanced).

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

***(If you see husband along the way quickly cover up all exposed areas)***

==============================================

How a Man Showers

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

***(If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound)***

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

***(If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound)***

Throw wet towel on bed.

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea, we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the ****? I don't want a hot dog. I want a ******* drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my **** and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places because my knees hurt from dropping to the floor." The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

LOL Thats messed up!

haha yeah it is :D

a lil disturbing but it has some character :)

one day there is a girl on the beach with no arms and no legs, crying hysterically..
so a guy walking by notices this and goes up to girl and asks, "whats wrong?"
the girl says "ive never been hugged before."
so the guy gives her a hug and she gets a big smile
and so the guy knowing he made the girl happy starts walking away.
as he starts walking away he hears the girl crying again
he asks "whats wrong?"
the girl says "ive never been kissed before."
so the guy gives the girl a kiss
she smiles, and is on his way.
as he is leaving he hears the girl cry again
he turns around and asks "what now?"
the girl says "ive never been ****ed before"
so the guy picks her up
and throws her into the ocean
and says, "now you are"

So wrong... :roflpuke2::roflpuke2::roflpuke2:

lmao awesome.

haha nice +rep for that

A teacher was instructing her students on grammar, and today's topic was how to distinguish between past, future, and present tenses.

"I walked the dog" the teacher wrote on the board...

"past tense!" little Jimmy answers

"Very good!" replies the teacher

then she writes on the board, "I will go shopping"

"Future tense!" little Jimmy answers.

"Very good!" the teacher says. "If you get the next one correct you'll get an A"!

she writes "I am beautiful" on the board.

Little Jimmy looks at the board, pauses, looks at the teacher, and then replies "Past Tense".

Little Jimmy got an F.

Shipwrecked Irishman
 

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar.

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a package of fresh Cuban cigars.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've tasted the Powers of good Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "T'is nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his trembling knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't cha be tell'n me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Cab Ride
 

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Nice one Chris

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your ******* before prison...."

^ nice one

Thanks :)

Match Class with Little Tony :D
 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?", asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

LMAO wow

:D

CAUTION: LONG POST
But well worth the read.

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump.

I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of colon
cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work,
and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle
rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon.

Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife.

I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back
to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!"

This was prophetic, for my back side informed me with a sudden violent
cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I
have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the
occupied one.

3. Poop smeared on seat.

4. Poop and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped
trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ****ter.

I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things
were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet
sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the
sound of a voice answering the ringing phone.

As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB
louder than it needed to be.

Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The insane conversation
went on and on. Mr. ****ter was blathering to Mrs. ****ter about the crappy
day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish.

As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier,thinking
that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about it in public.

My butt let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping
soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer
cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other
hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was

rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of
someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn
off a wall.

The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone,
not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance
frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my butt cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
apparent:

1) The next-door conversation had ceased;

2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come;and

3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, putrid stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened.

The foul stench of rotting excrement quickly made its way under the stall and began choking
my poop-mate.

This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could
hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth.

I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes,
poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount
of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with
tremendous force.

Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually
managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor.

But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation
made themselves heard over my anal symphony:

"Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it...tell
the kids... love them... oh God..."followed by more sounds of
suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at
the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding
down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of
swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into thetoilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly
quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do.

A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks
plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw.

I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was
thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage.
I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew
that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle
that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the
bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the
bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around
for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my
supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my
anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring
himself to crap in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the can.

And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.

George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then John Adams says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

-------------------

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

-------------------

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect!" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.



MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Amen

Ok thats enough for now....

"w_ _ rehouse puzzle ........
 

Three men are involved with a house of ill repute. One is just arriving, one is just leaving, and one is upstairs in bed with a girl. What is the nationality of each man?

Give up?

Don't Trust Little Old Ladies
 

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes to $121..85,' said the clerk.

'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.'

The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.'

This means smurf is never gonna read it...

yeah i didn't read it...cliff notes?

hahahah MAJOR OWNAGE.... :inoutroflpuke:

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says,

"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do... with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer andevery now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well,Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about
once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

26 Tips to know Women better
 

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better". This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand because this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (If she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "you better be", repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them because jewelry is for *******.

7. If youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes and mouth the words fuck you and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold, but rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye". The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet, kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things, like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say "no shes not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for them.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it, but not a sexy cologne smell, instead, a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

21. When it's raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you fucking baby. Girls like a tough man as I've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If youre listening to music and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call...

:icon18: hahahahh thats all the stuff that ud would do to never have a girl friend... thanks for the laugh togo... :bowrofl:

Glad someone liked it... hahaha

it's kind of a long read so I figured not too many people might actually read it

Osama and the Genie
 

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance

Plan to save bankrupt airlines:

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

So im leaving to slay the dragon, so if someone wants to keep this post alive for the next couple of weeks please do...no fighting now!

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."