"A Brief History of Medicine"

In case you have an earache, here's how you would've treated it in:

2000 BC - Here, eat this root.

1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion

1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000+ AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Someone hit me with anon rep. Thanks! :tiphat:

Can't return the love though without a name :(

A Cowboy goes to Paris

A Cowboy from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Had to snopes this to defend American honor:

snopes.com: Lighthouse and Aircraft Carrier

:owned:

Frost - 1 Phelan - 0

corny but eh....whatever
----------------------------------


A geeky answer by Dad to son.

"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" , Junior asks his dad:

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to up load, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

'You've Got Male'!

:facepalm:

lol

A Christmas divorce

An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up.

In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'

Three blondes

Three blondes were walking in the bush one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re sheep tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

:facepalm:

at Harvard University in a biology class,
The professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much Statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
Girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had
said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
Without a word and walked out of the class.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.

man that facepalm really makes its rounds around here since it became official lol

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having **** she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

A comparative study of economic systems
Socialism
You have 2 cows that you've worked hard for. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour who doesn't have cows because he's too lazy to get off his ***.

Communism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and gives you some milk in return.

Fascism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and offers to sell you milk.

Nazism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and then shoots you.

Bureaucracy
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away, shoots one, milks the other one and pours the milk down the drain.

Traditional capitalism
You have 2 cows. You trade one for a bull, breed an entire hurd, sell the whole shebang and go live off the interest.

Lehman Brothers capitalism
You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to a daughter franchise in Korea using the credit you got from an Icelandic bank through your mother-in-law. Next, you make a deal with a company in the Cayman Islands to buy your 4 cows and donate them back to you, so you can deduct the taxes for the 5 cows. You let a henchman invest the grants paid to you by the EU for your 6 cows into your Korean daughter franchise. In your annual report you indicate 8 cows with an option for a 9th. You sell 3 cows to buy an American farm and subsequently get exposed on the American market for not actually knowing the first damn thing about cows. You claim that you don't understand why your stables are empty and get sent to prison.

American system
You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other one to give milk for 4. You're surprised when the poor animal drops dead.

Wallonian system (= French speaking southern part of Belgium)
You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3.

Flemmish system (=Dutch speaking northern part of Belgium)
You have 2 cows and start deliberating endlessly with everybody about the conditions to start deliberating [sic]about how those cows should be milked and cared for.

Japanese system
You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them to become 10 times smaller than a normal cow and give 20 times more milk.

German system
You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them so they live to the age of 100, only need food once a month and can milk themselves.

British system
You have 2 cows. They're both mad.
Quid pro pro: the Dutch system!
A farmer somewhere in a country village has 2 cows. You and some other guys from the big city form a committee to determine how this farmer can best look after his 2 cows and milk them as animal-friendly as possible. Next, you go court and demand that this farmer follows your committee's guidelines.

Italian system
You have 2 cows, but you're not sure where they are... and now you're off to go eat some spaghetti.

Russian system
You have 2 cows. You count them and discover there are 5. You count them again and discover there are 30. You count them again and discover there are 17. You give up on counting and open your 4th bottle of Vodka this morning.

French system
You have 2 cows. They are the most important cows in the world.

Swiss system
You have 500 cows, but none of them are actually yours. You make a living by looking after them for some "unknown" foreigners.

Austrian system
You have 2 cows in the basement, but the neighbours have never seen them.

Danish system
You have 2 cows in a design barn and now everybody wants that combination.

Maroccan system
You have 2 cows who love to (endlessly) negotiate the milk prices by themselves.

Spanish system
You had 2 cows, but you used that handsome EU grant to turn them into sausages and ground beef.

Swedish system
You sell cows cheaply, packed in a box which also contains a nice leaflet explaining how to milk them. A tiny bucket is included.

Scottish system
You have 2 cows, but the English refuse to recognize them as yours. They do want your milk profits though.

And finally, the Wisconsin system
You have 1 cow, to which you're married.

wow, bump this to the top...anyone?

Because brog0 became slowg0...

Ten ways to say your zipper is down:
-The cucumber has left the salad
-Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his beels
-You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position
-Paging Mr. Johnson...paging Mr. Johnson...
-Elvis is leaving the building.
-The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
-Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
-You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
-Men may be from Mars...but I see something that rhymes with Venus.

and top to it all off:

I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the major.
She asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes ma'am, a lot of action."
Trying to start up a conversation, the young lady said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he replied.
"Well, there you are, No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The sergeant major said in a serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

hahahahaha :roflpuke2: btw phelan ur sig is LOL phelan hahahah

OK, br0g0 to the rescue!!!


An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and he's actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other.

The bartender says to the man, "Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot."

The man replies "No, no... if 10 shots of tequila doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"


"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."



"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"


"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

ewwwwwwww >_< hahahaha

At the airport, after getting all the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me your Eminence," says the limo driver, "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?"

"To tell you the truth," says the Pope,"they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd loose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna loose my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going at a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Senator?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, " Who is it?"

Cop: " I think it's Jesus!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

First Jewish Woman President...

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really
want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.


Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


An Irish voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence: "Fuckin' stop doin' it then!"

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR




Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch

Dude, JOKE OF THE DAY. Not 80 million jokes 1 day and none after that for a month! :stirthepot:
































:rofl2::rofl2: :rofl2::rofl2: :rofl2::rofl2:

A girl walks into a bar in Texas , orders a beer and sits down at the bar where a Mexican and an Iraqi are also drinking beers.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches her glass. She says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice".

:roflpuke2::roflpuke2::bowrofl::inoutroflpuke:


Hahaha I had to make up for all the missed days. I'll try to stay on top of it more..


either way, I'm done for today.. lol:icon17:

gj :D loved the Pope one :tup:

haha yeah that one made me laugh too..

It was a few days after Thanksgiving vacation and the first grade teacher was having her students tell about their vacation.

The first little girl says, "We went to visit Nana."

The teacher corrected her, "We're big kids now, we don't say Nana, we say Grandma."

The next kid says, "We went to Na...er..Grandma's house and I got to play with a choo choo."

The teacher corrected him and said, "WE say train not choo choo."

And then it was Little Johnny's turn, "WE went to Nana....er...Grandma's house and she read me a book."

The teacher says, "That's very good Johnny, what was the name of the book?"

Little Johnny answers, "It was Winnie the... shit."

:roflpuke2:
:shakes head:

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

:owned: :bowrofl:

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."