Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'

hahahahhah

I think most of the guys on this forum grew up like this... lol

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and end s in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong !

Hahhaha that's a good one. Heard it before but good none the less.

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court and I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A man walked into a bar....ouch

:wtf2:

:icon18:

hahahah win

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied,! "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!!

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his *** while he is on fire. Further studies in this area have been canceled.

It's been a while but I've been on vacation :D

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... dad.... I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

So a duck walks into a convenience store, walks up to the clerk and goes...

"Got any gwapes?"

"No, I don't have any gwapes."

So the duck leaves.


The next day, the duck walks into the convenience store and goes up to the clerk and asks:


"Got any gwapes?"

"No, I dont have any gwapes."

So the duck leaves.


The next day the duck walks into the convenience store and walks up to the clerk and asks:

"Got any gwapes?"

"NO! I dont have any damn gwapes! If you ask me that again I'm going to staple your feet to the floor!" the clerk replies.

So the duck leaves.



The next day the duck walks into the store and goes up to the clerk and asks:

"Got any staples?"
"No."


".....got any gwapes?"

:p

Hahaha:icon18:

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

haha to both of those last ones :)

How Marriage Works...
 

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll
be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm
going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because
the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out
of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuv res, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ******* beer in your
goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are
married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, *******?" and,
they lived happily ever after.

Two muffins are in an oven.

The first muffin says, "God it's hot in here!"

The second muffin replies, "HOLY SH IT!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

LOL Chris

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

How do you stop a charging Rhinocerous?


Take away his credit card

haha some good ones in there!

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him,"Kevin! What are you doing?"

Kevin replied, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Kevin, how you doing?"

Kevin says "I'm exhausted. I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse,"I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Chicago".

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers? :D

UPS Air Cargo
 

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in O-F-F mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last:
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like amidget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

LOL at the last one!

Alligator in a bar ......
 

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. The bartender tells the customer he has to leave because of the dangerous gator. The customer says no you don't understand, this is a tame alligator. The bartender replys, you're going to have to prove it or you're both out of here. The customer says, tell you what I'm going to open the alligators mouth, and put my d _ _ k in there for five minutes and nothings going to happen. Bartender replies.... Wow if you do that not only will it prove the alligator is tame, but the drinks are on me. The guy whips it out , puts it in the alligators mouth, and after five minutes, nothing has happened. The bartender says "I got to hand it to you buddy, that really is a tame alligator" As the bartender sets up the guys drink he asks the other customers " Anybody else want to try it?" A little guy at the end of the bar sheepishly responds "I'd like to try it, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open for five minutes....

These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
The string says "Yeah."
The bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

:ugh2:

RIVALFISH'S 50 WORST BILLBOARD #1 HITS of ALL-TIME
 

by XXXXX XXXX, XXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXX.com

No matter how many millions of people like and support a certain thing, like age-of-consent laws, there are some things I just can't agree with. So here they are, the 50 Worst Songs to ever reach #1 on a Billboard Chart, somewhere in this world. If judging the pantheon of #1s on musical and lyrical merit alone, I obviously could have included every chart-topper since '93 and made this a Top 1000 list. But I instead only included the 50 songs that I couldn't even see or understand someone taking a liking to, no matter how many tokes of the tasty turtle I took or relationships I melodramatically ended.


50. Celine Dione - My Heart Will Go On (1998)

49. Uncle Kracker - Follow Me (1999)

48. Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe (1995)

47. Minnie Riperton - Lovin' You (1975) -

46. Will Smith - Wild Wild West (1999)

45. Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All (1986)

44. Toby Keith - Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (2001)

43. Mr. Mister - Broken Wings (1986)

42. Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman (1995)

41. Chicago - You're the Inspiration (1985)

40. The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You (1995)

39. Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy (1988)

38. Limp Bizkit - Rollin' (2000)

37. Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart (1992)

36. Starship - We Built This City (1985)

35. Donna Summer - MacArthur Park (1978)

34. Terry Jacks - Seasons in the Sun (1974)

33. Elton John - Crocodile Rock (1973)

32. The Eagles - Best of My Love (1975)

31. Bee Gees - How Deep is Your Love (1977)

30. A Taste of Honey - Boogie Oogie Oogie (1978)

29 Peabo Bryson & Regina Bell - A Whole New World (1993)

28. Los Del Rio - Macarena (1996)

27. Hanson - MMMbop (1997)

26. Destiny's Child - Independent Woman Part 1 (2001)

25. Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight (1976)

24 Bobby Goldsboro - Honey (1968)

23. Rick Dees - Disco Duck (1976)

22. Debbie Boone - You Light Up My Life (1977)

21. Clay Aikens - This is the Night (2002)

20. Zagar and Evans - In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) (1969)

19. Nelly - Grillz (2006)

18. Jermaine Jackson - Don't Take it Personal (1989)

17. The Association - Windy (1967)

16. Lonestar - Amazed (2000)

15. Nickelback - How You Remind Me (2001)

14. Captain & Tennille - Do That To Me One More Time (1980)

13. D4L - Laffy Taffy (2006)

12. Bobbie Gentry - Ode to Billie Joe (1967)

11. J-Lo & Ja Rule - I'm Real (2001)

10. Elton John - Candle in the Wind 97 (1998) - I never really had any beef with the paparazzi until I realized that this song was their fault too. Hopefully the tune EJ writes when Princes Harry ODs won't become as popular.

9. Barry Manilow - I Write the Songs (1976)- Yes Barry, you do write the songs.... that make my parents 69 on their anniversary and my lunch shoot back up my esophagus like an eighth Jager shot.

8. Dawn feat. Tony Orland0 - Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree (1973) -From Wikipedia: The symbol became widely known in civilian life in the 1970s. It was the central theme of the popular song "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole Oak Tree", Written by Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown and recorded by Tony Orlando and Dawn among many others. It referred to the sign a released convict requested from his wife or lover, to indicate that she still wanted him and that he would therefore be welcome to return home. He would be able to see it from the bus driving by their house, and would stay on the bus in the absence of the ribbon. He turned out to be very welcome: there were a hundred yellow ribbons. Wow Miss Convict-Monger, I thought you said when he hit you the first time that it was over for good?

7. Crazy Town - Butterfly (2001) -I always wondered what happened to the anal cyst that got lanced off the butthole of that 311 cover band I used to see back in South Venice.


6. Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder - Ebony and Ivory (1982)
This song is so bad it makes you wonder if those Segregationists may have been on to something. That ******* Strom Thurmond reportedly co-produced this record as part of a red-state conspiracy.

5. Snow - Informer (1993) - Dude, my cousin in Cleveland totally knows all the words to this.

4. Black-Eyed Peas - My Humps (2005) - If we're talking looks alone, I'd say the lumps Fergie left on boyfriend Josh Duhamel's testes were more attractive than the fat-girl mosquito bites on her chest.

3. Cher - Believe (1999) - Maybe Cher should have gotten plastic surgery on her voice?

2. All 4 One - I Swear (1994)- Attention! Attention! T-minus 4.5 minutes until that 8th grade ginger feels his first over-the-bra tatas!

1. Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth (1999) - Santana, It should have been you instead of Richie Valens in that plane that night. Just go back to playing the bad guy in Three Amigos and stop ruining your own reputation.

i like some of those songs!

This one is kinda old and some of you have probably heard it before. I'll post it anyways along with a second one. :D


I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Ehh what the heck, it's friday...



T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T



A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday'. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"

Hahahahah :roflpuke2:

GOTTA LOVE FRIDAY JOKES

A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him.

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was asked.

He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack."


:ughdance:

The Lie Clock
 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
She never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
Moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Barack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

OMG Chris... LMAO! +rep!

Glad you enjoyed it. =)