A blond and a brunet drop or a building at the same time which one hits the ground first?























The brunet the blond had to stop and ask for directions!

Well it's 3PM, time for a new joke!


A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

**** I'm slacking..ahhaha


Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.


The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his *** again."

I'm on time this time... :happydance:


DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE. I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY TWO. We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE. I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR. Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE. Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX. I saved 1600 lives today .. twice.

I keep forgetting but here we go again..


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic lives, it was difficult to coordinate their schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the message, she screamed and fainted! The widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: December 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

A true Canadian... :D

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

Ok, last one. It's 5PM now for all of you on the west coast, should be done with work. :D


A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks,

"What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies,
"Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees, and blows it right back up!"


Hope everyone has enjoyed the barrage of today's jokes. TGIF!!!!:happydance:

Lmao

haha Togo never disappoints :bowrofl:

Glad you guys are enjoying them :)

These are great Togo... Kind of makes me wonder if you'll run out!

I guess everyone will just have to keep checking in to see if I do...






I suppose I owe everyone one for today... brb :tup:

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right in a few minutes," he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

haha, I just picture any one of us doing the exact same thing.

:icon18: Didn't expect that! Good one!

I hope this one doesn't offend anyone, it's not meant to be offensive.


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden" she said.

^^ YES that was awesome. still laughing!!

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband...

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says.

^ awesome joke is win joke!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

:bowrofl:

:roflpuke2:

A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck. Inside is a beautiful woman in the car who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money, and she knows she is just a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar, "I'm leaving you," she says.

"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.

"And those bulging suitcases, The clothes you are wearing, Everything I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere."

"Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him, too.

"And the blood in your body, I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

She quickly pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said......"I'll pay you back in monthly installments."

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

me and the girl just read a few pages, good stuff togo, rep

alright alright i got one for you guys... so there is a couple... they both live a a beautiful two story house.... so one day they where taking a bath at the same time... the man took a bath in the top floor and the woman was taking a quick shower on the bottom floor... the woman just got out of the shower then suddenly "ding dong"... she quickly wraps a towel around her body and hurrys to the door... she gets to the door and looks through the pep hole... its there neighbor... rick... she opens the door and says " hey rick!!!" rick sees the beautiful woman with only a towel around her body... and replys... you know if you just drop your towel right now all the way to the ground ill give you 500 dollars CASH... puzzled she thinks for the moment and says o what the hell... she drops it ands shows him her whole body naked... then she picks up the towel and rick gives her the cash like he promised... over joyed she then goes up stairs to keep her money... the husband comes out and says " o honey... who was that?!?" she replies "our neighbor rick" the woman having a devious smile.... the husband then replies "O GOOD did he give you the 500 bucks he owed me?!? :icon08:

Always glad to hear people are enjoying them. :tiphat:


:icon18: Good one, I was kept thinking "hmmm where is this one going". Then I LOL'd.

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know,it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

ok its friday Togo, need some laughs to end the day

It's friday so I'll post a second one a little later.:happydance:

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her nonna ( Grandmother ) said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and touch you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that too, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"



Nonna fainted!!

^^^ahhhh get em

A young couple Tony and Maria get married and since they don't have any money they have their honeymoon at Maria's parents house. So on their wedding night they go upstairs and get ready to consummate the marriage. Tony sits on the bed and starts to undress. He takes off his shirt and Maria (having never seen a man without clothes before) sees that he has a hairy chest.

She runs downstairs to the kitchen and tells her mother " Mama, Tony has a hairy chest!"

Her mother who was making sauce just smiles and says "All good men have hairy chests. Now go upstairs and be with your husband."

So she goes back upstairs and sees Tony taking off his pants. She sees that he has hairy legs.

She runs downstairs and says "Mama, Tony has hairy legs!" Her mother smiles and says "All good men have hairy legs. Now go up and be with your husband."

So she goes back upstairs and finds Tony taking off his socks. She sees that he is missing three toes on one of his feet.

She runs back down and says "Mama, Tony has a foot and a half!"

Mama turns to Maria with a serious look and says "Maria, stir the sauce. This sounds like a job for Mama!"

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her.

The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife, "Tomorrow I am not going to work, and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door."

The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina. The woman says, "Yes". The man then said, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop ******* my wife."

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659, CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my guess."

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... ) :happydance:

Three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--(MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT!'

He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, ****.'
Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

hahah thats a good one

Q: Do you have a police record?

A: No, but I have a Sting album.

:p