This one you might not really understand if you don't ride motorcycles but I like it regardless!

Okay, I'm 25 and I've now got a 16 year old girl coming on the back of my bike for some rides. She's the daughter of a friend/co-worker and she's really really cute.

Anyways, she sits so tight into me that her boobs press into my back. I can't seem to ride much on the alert side. Sometimes under heavy braking her pelvis presses tightly into my lower back/butt. Her hands support her by reaching around me and onto the tank. When we stop at the lights, she rests her hands on my thighs, rather close to the ... err you know!

So, is it wrong to ask her ...















... "stop smacking your fuckin lid into the back of mine!"

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a new 370Z." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a new GTR." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."

Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."

The first girl said, "I can't."

Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"

The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.

WTF togo hahaha

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

:roflpuke2:

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

:icon18: :roflpuke2::roflpuke2::roflpuke2:

LOL nice! :roflpuke2:

I love it!!! hahaha I so know that feeling! I hate it when they cant keep their helmet off mine lol :rofl2:

I've got marks on the back of my helmet from girls too.. hahah. I'm glad there are some riders that get that joke!

:roflpuke2:

George Carlinism's

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older? Are they cramming for their final exam?

21. Our mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal. He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker replies, "So much for your canoe!"

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his Elves were sick, and the trainee Elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed out Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth, two had jumped over the fence and were out, heaven knows where. MORE STRESS! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. SO, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he opened the cupboard he found that the Elves had hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into a lot of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed as he went to answer the door. On the front step was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said "where would you like to put this tree?"

And THAT my friends, is how the little Angel came to be on top of Christmas trees!

Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

This might be a repost but I can't remember..

There was a father planting a garden with his 3 year old daughter.

The daughter asks, "Daddy what kind of spider is that?"

He replies "that is a daddy long legs spider."

She says "Look there is one spider on top of another spider, what are they doing?"

Her dad says "They are making baby spiders."

She asks "Is the one on top a daddy long legs and the one on the bottom a mommy long legs?"

Her dad says "No they are both daddy long legs."

She ponders this for a moment then she stomps on the spiders and says "Well, we are NOT having that kind of shit in our garden!"

Paddy the Irishman was driving home one night and he's all over the road.

The cops pull him over and the says "Paddy you're so drunk you're weaving all over the road. You are weaving so bad your wife fell out of the car aways back."

Paddy replies "Oh praise be to God! For a minute there I thought I was goin' deaf!"

:roflpuke2::roflpuke2:

Last time I checked, the names of Santa's Reindeer were:

• Dasher
• Dancer
• Prancer
• Vixen
• Comet
• Cupid
• Donner
• Blitzen
• Rudolf

Most of which sound pretty masculine... :icon14: :wtf2:

Magical reindeer like the ones Santa uses are asexual.

Ah that must be one of those 'adults only' jokes that the kids don't get. :tup:

Yeah how else do you get magical reindeer! If they reproduced like normal reindeer, we'd all have them...



Plus.. the joke talks about a fictional fat man that travels the span of the world delivering toys to every household in the matter of maybe 8 hours. He flies a sled pulled by flying reindeer, one of which has an industrial strength light bulb for a nose and his toys are made by a shop of mythical elves BUT you get hung up on the masculinity of their names???:bowrofl::bowrofl::bowrofl:

LOL How else could we have an intelligent debate about a fat man fitting down chimney's?

And about that fag rudolph... He has a Red Nose. It's not like a flood light... So really, if it was Foggy, WTF good is that gonna do for Santa? Unless its a beacon to see where the front of his Reindeer are, it provides him nothing. :bowrofl:

Rudolph and the Snow Man are just on that yayo, that's why their noses are red.

this post mad me :roflpuke2::roflpuke2::bowrofl:


hahahahah:rofl2:

Don't you laugh! That was a serious point to me! Dealing with aircraft on a daily basis at work made me think about that. lol He's not gonna see any better with Rudolph in front...

LMAO I agree.. i remember seeing my strobes the first time I flew IMC. I know what you mean.

you guys... :facepalm:

says the guy who doesn't even have a Z yet... :ugh2:

http://www.quarter-mile.net/images/haha/derailed.jpg

http://bp2.blogger.com/_wOnvZjiitXU/...0/low_blow.jpg

Low Blow! :crying:

My attempt to get back on topic.. lol


There were two truckers driving a load of sheep across the country. One was a new driver and the other was an old driver.

The new guy asks "Do you ever stop at a cathouse along the way if you get horny?"

The old guy says "Naw I just get in the back of the truck and do one of the sheep."

The new guy is kind of shocked at this but after a while he thinks maybe it wouldn't be too bad.

The old trucker says "Just bang on the front wall when you're done and I'll stop so you can get back in the cab."

So he's driving along after an hour or so goes by he's getting kind of worried because the new guy has not banged on the wall. So he stops the truck and opens the back door to check on the other guy. He's in there just screwing away on this sheep, the old guy says "What's wrong?"

The new guy says"I can't get my nut."

The old guy says "Well it's no wonder, you picked the ugliest one!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards him. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The other guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote:

"I'M DROWNING YOU MORON!"