Joke of the Day

Togo · 05-07-2010, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XwChriswX

Are you sure this was at the pentagon, and not at a TSA Screener?

DjSquall · 05-07-2010, 03:33 PM

Lol Chris, I saw that thread. I'm stuck in traffic, and in an hour and a half I have to be ready to dj a birthday party. The bad part is I won't be home for another hour

vipor · 05-07-2010, 03:45 PM

Togo · 05-10-2010, 05:34 PM

WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
-----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
-------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
---------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Gravity works, I've tested it....often!!!

DjSquall · 05-11-2010, 06:17 AM

^^^^^ that one is great!

Togo · 05-11-2010, 04:10 PM

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crisssssssco.

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3.

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife, She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

"Lard ass."

XwChriswX · 05-11-2010, 05:07 PM

So I was playing Uno last night with some mexicans... But the f*ckers kept stealing all the green cards, so I left.

Togo · 05-11-2010, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XwChriswX

So I was playing Uno last night with some mexicans... But the f*ckers kept stealing all the green cards, so I left.

Hmm and where did you hear this joke I wonder... lol

Togo · 05-11-2010, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

Hmm and where did you hear this joke I wonder... lol

Wait... I just read this the other night? Did I actually tell it to you and John though? Can't remember now.. lol.

XwChriswX · 05-11-2010, 05:19 PM

I didn't hear it from either of you, and I told him lol So I dunno what your talking about.

Csquared · 05-12-2010, 08:49 PM

Oh, I got one.

"Here is a story I want to share with you. During the time I was dating my wife her sister was constantly flirting with me. She was gorgeous but nothing more than harmless flirting came out of it. Eventually I proposed to my now wife and the day before our wedding her sister called me over to her house saying she had a gift for me. I asked her to bring it over or give it to me on the day of our wedding but she said that it was not possible and I had to go pick it up.

I arrived at her house and knocked, realized the door wasn’t locked and so I yelled into the house to see if she was around. She told me to go upstairs. I could hear music playing and the sweet scent of candles. I followed both of these till I reached the bed room and there she was on her bed, more beautiful then ever, telling me that it was the last chance before I got married and we should make something happen.

I turned around and walked back down the stairs and saw her father standing there with a Shotgun, he took me into his arms and said that his daughter is very lucky to have a great guy like me and that he told her younger daughter to see if I would be faithful.

The moral of the story?

Keep your condoms in your car.”

Togo · 05-13-2010, 03:36 PM

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."

He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"

She quickly replied, "M"!

semtex · 05-13-2010, 04:14 PM

Hope this isn't a repost.

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. She asked me to meet her upstairs in her bedroom for one last fling. I was stunned watching her walk up the stairs. I made a beeline straight to the front door and headed straight to my car! Lo and behold all my fiance's family were standing outside clapping, proud that I had passed their test. The moral of the story..... Always keep your condoms in the car!

phelan · 05-13-2010, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by semtex

Hope this isn't a repost.

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. She asked me to meet her upstairs in her bedroom for one last fling. I was stunned watching her walk up the stairs. I made a beeline straight to the front door and headed straight to my car! Lo and behold all my fiance's family were standing outside clapping, proud that I had passed their test. The moral of the story..... Always keep your condoms in the car!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Csquared

Oh, I got one.

"Here is a story I want to share with you. During the time I was dating my wife her sister was constantly flirting with me. She was gorgeous but nothing more than harmless flirting came out of it. Eventually I proposed to my now wife and the day before our wedding her sister called me over to her house saying she had a gift for me. I asked her to bring it over or give it to me on the day of our wedding but she said that it was not possible and I had to go pick it up.

I arrived at her house and knocked, realized the door wasn’t locked and so I yelled into the house to see if she was around. She told me to go upstairs. I could hear music playing and the sweet scent of candles. I followed both of these till I reached the bed room and there she was on her bed, more beautiful then ever, telling me that it was the last chance before I got married and we should make something happen.

I turned around and walked back down the stairs and saw her father standing there with a Shotgun, he took me into his arms and said that his daughter is very lucky to have a great guy like me and that he told her younger daughter to see if I would be faithful.

The moral of the story?

Keep your condoms in your car.”

...more than one way to skin a cat then O_o;

theDreamer · 05-13-2010, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by semtex

Hope this isn't a repost.

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. She asked me to meet her upstairs in her bedroom for one last fling. I was stunned watching her walk up the stairs. I made a beeline straight to the front door and headed straight to my car! Lo and behold all my fiance's family were standing outside clapping, proud that I had passed their test. The moral of the story..... Always keep your condoms in the car!

Two posts up.

Technically a different version, but same story in the end.

05-07-2010, 03:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 43 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 50	__________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

05-10-2010, 05:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 659	WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. ------------------------------------------------------ "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher ------------------------------------------------------ "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps ------------------------------------------------------ "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop ------------------------------------------------------ "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal ----------------------------------------------------- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual ------------------------------------------------------ "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur ----------------------------------------------------- "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal ------------------------------------------------------ "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. ------------------------------------------------------ "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance - ----------------------------------------------------- "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal ------------------------------------------------------- "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie --------------------------------------------------- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth ------------------------------------------------------- "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal - -------------------------------------------------------- "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay ------------------------------------------------------ "Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." ------------------------------------------------------ "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit ------------------------------------------------------- "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies ------------------------------------------------------- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop ------------------------------------------------------- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan ------------------------------------------------------- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) ------------------------------------------------------- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." ------------------------------------------------------- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor ------------------------------------------------------ "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." ------------------------------------------------------- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." ------------------------------------------------------- "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club." ------------------------------------------------------- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies." ------------------------------------------------------- "Never trade luck for skill." ------------------------------------------------------- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!" ------------------------------------------------------ "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant." ------------------------------------------------------- "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." ------------------------------------------------------- "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication." ------------------------------------------------------- "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous." --------------------------------------------------------- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!" ------------------------------------------------------- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." -------------------------------------------------------- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) ------------------------------------------------------- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 --------------------------------------------------------- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." --------------------------------------------------------- "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." -------------------------------------------------------------- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) Gravity works, I've tested it....often!!! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

05-11-2010, 04:10 PM	#6 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 659	A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crisssssssco. Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3. The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife, She's in here somewhere" The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?" The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?" "Lard ass." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

05-11-2010, 05:07 PM	#7 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 453	So I was playing Uno last night with some mexicans... But the fckers kept stealing all the green cards, so I left. __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!* R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

05-11-2010, 05:19 PM	#10 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 453	I didn't hear it from either of you, and I told him lol So I dunno what your talking about. __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

05-07-2010, 03:33 PM	#2 (permalink)
DjSquall A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Tottenham, ON Age: 38 Posts: 1,340 Drives: My first car Rep Power: 24	Lol Chris, I saw that thread. I'm stuck in traffic, and in an hour and a half I have to be ready to dj a birthday party. The bad part is I won't be home for another hour

05-11-2010, 06:17 AM	#5 (permalink)
DjSquall A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Tottenham, ON Age: 38 Posts: 1,340 Drives: My first car Rep Power: 24	^^^^^ that one is great!

05-12-2010, 08:49 PM	#11 (permalink)
Csquared Enthusiast Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Hong Kong Posts: 302 Drives: 09 Nissan 370z Y 7sp Rep Power: 17	Oh, I got one. "Here is a story I want to share with you. During the time I was dating my wife her sister was constantly flirting with me. She was gorgeous but nothing more than harmless flirting came out of it. Eventually I proposed to my now wife and the day before our wedding her sister called me over to her house saying she had a gift for me. I asked her to bring it over or give it to me on the day of our wedding but she said that it was not possible and I had to go pick it up. I arrived at her house and knocked, realized the door wasn’t locked and so I yelled into the house to see if she was around. She told me to go upstairs. I could hear music playing and the sweet scent of candles. I followed both of these till I reached the bed room and there she was on her bed, more beautiful then ever, telling me that it was the last chance before I got married and we should make something happen. I turned around and walked back down the stairs and saw her father standing there with a Shotgun, he took me into his arms and said that his daughter is very lucky to have a great guy like me and that he told her younger daughter to see if I would be faithful. The moral of the story? Keep your condoms in your car.”

05-13-2010, 03:36 PM	#12 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 659	There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?" She quickly replied, "M"! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

05-13-2010, 04:14 PM	#13 (permalink)
semtex A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Behind enemy lines Age: 55 Posts: 5,995 Drives: People to drink Rep Power: 34	Hope this isn't a repost. THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. She asked me to meet her upstairs in her bedroom for one last fling. I was stunned watching her walk up the stairs. I made a beeline straight to the front door and headed straight to my car! Lo and behold all my fiance's family were standing outside clapping, proud that I had passed their test. The moral of the story..... Always keep your condoms in the car! __________________ "There are no small accidents on this circuit." -- Ayrton Senna 316.8whp & 248 ft/lbs (Dyno Dynamics) \| 319whp & 256 ft/lbs (DynoJet) (04/23/10) Stillen G3 CAI, CBE, Pulley / F.I. LTH / GTSpec Ladder Brace / Setrab Oil Cooler / UpRev-tuned by Forged Perf.

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