Joke of the Day

z370z · 05-13-2010, 04:25 PM

@ SEMTEX

lol that was just posted two above you

semtex · 05-13-2010, 04:25 PM

D'oh! I fail.

theDreamer · 05-13-2010, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by semtex

D'oh! I fail.

Csquared · 05-13-2010, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by semtex

D'oh! I fail.

+ rep for having same type of Humor lol.

Togo · 05-14-2010, 02:18 PM

There is a blonde on one side of the river and a brunette on the other side.
The brunette yells to the blonde "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The blonde replies "You are already on the other side!"

Togo · 05-14-2010, 02:19 PM

Know why God made Shetland ponies?

So the Mexican Cavalry could have low riders!

Togo · 05-14-2010, 02:19 PM

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

370zproject · 05-14-2010, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

XwChriswX · 05-14-2010, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

I just threw up in my mouth...

Togo · 05-15-2010, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XwChriswX

I just threw up in my mouth...

You're welcome!

ShifterGT · 05-17-2010, 10:57 AM

Ok I got a military joke.

So long after the Vietnam War, when most of the veterans were dead and gone, but some were left. The government decided to do something for those veterans. They decided they would measure from one point on their body to another, and for every inch they get $1,000 bucks. So people come in to get measured, some from one tip of a finger to another ETC. But an older vet comes in, walking cane and all. They ask
"Where do you want your measurments from"

The vet replies "From teh tip of my penis, to my balls"

"Are you sure thats the best bet, I mean I'm not trying to be rude but there is probably a better choice for the money"

"I'm sure" He says

So the old man drops his pants and they go to measure, lifting his penis, the man measuring freaks out and screams

"Where the hell are your balls!"

To which he calmly replies with a smile
"Vietnam"

XwChriswX · 05-17-2010, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShifterGT

Ok I got a military joke.

So long after the Vietnam War, when most of the veterans were dead and gone, but some were left. The government decided to do something for those veterans. They decided they would measure from one point on their body to another, and for every inch they get $1,000 bucks. So people come in to get measured, some from one tip of a finger to another ETC. But an older vet comes in, walking cane and all. They ask
"Where do you want your measurments from"

The vet replies "From teh tip of my penis, to my balls"

"Are you sure thats the best bet, I mean I'm not trying to be rude but there is probably a better choice for the money"

"I'm sure" He says

So the old man drops his pants and they go to measure, lifting his penis, the man measuring freaks out and screams

"Where the hell are your balls!"

To which he calmly replies with a smile
"Vietnam"

TX_370 · 06-22-2010, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

LMFAO!

Togo · 05-18-2010, 05:35 PM

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Togo · 05-18-2010, 05:36 PM

Upon opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

05-13-2010, 04:25 PM	#2 (permalink)
semtex A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Behind enemy lines Age: 54 Posts: 5,995 Drives: People to drink Rep Power: 33	D'oh! I fail. __________________ "There are no small accidents on this circuit." -- Ayrton Senna 316.8whp & 248 ft/lbs (Dyno Dynamics) \| 319whp & 256 ft/lbs (DynoJet) (04/23/10) Stillen G3 CAI, CBE, Pulley / F.I. LTH / GTSpec Ladder Brace / Setrab Oil Cooler / UpRev-tuned by Forged Perf.

05-14-2010, 02:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 658	There is a blonde on one side of the river and a brunette on the other side. The brunette yells to the blonde "How do I get to the other side of the river?" The blonde replies "You are already on the other side!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

05-14-2010, 02:19 PM	#6 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 658	Know why God made Shetland ponies? So the Mexican Cavalry could have low riders! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

05-14-2010, 02:19 PM	#7 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 658	A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

05-17-2010, 10:57 AM	#11 (permalink)
ShifterGT Base Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 6 Drives: nil Rep Power: 16	Nam Ok I got a military joke. So long after the Vietnam War, when most of the veterans were dead and gone, but some were left. The government decided to do something for those veterans. They decided they would measure from one point on their body to another, and for every inch they get $1,000 bucks. So people come in to get measured, some from one tip of a finger to another ETC. But an older vet comes in, walking cane and all. They ask "Where do you want your measurments from" The vet replies "From teh tip of my penis, to my balls" "Are you sure thats the best bet, I mean I'm not trying to be rude but there is probably a better choice for the money" "I'm sure" He says So the old man drops his pants and they go to measure, lifting his penis, the man measuring freaks out and screams "Where the hell are your balls!" To which he calmly replies with a smile "Vietnam"

05-13-2010, 04:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
z370z Base Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Niagara Posts: 222 Drives: 09 370z 6M SPT/NAV Rep Power: 16	@ SEMTEX lol that was just posted two above you

05-18-2010, 05:35 PM	#14 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 658	One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your **!" "Amen," replied the congregation. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.* Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

05-18-2010, 05:36 PM	#15 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 658	Upon opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan