oh man, i could make such a religiously inappropriate comment for an answer to this one...

Do it!!!! :stirthepot:

i'm already rofl'ing

Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with some friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call saying, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You get up, straighten your tie, walk up and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition

lol nice one frost

A teacher asked her students to name a famous Barbara

Answer:

Black kid said, "Barbara Jordan"

Teacher said, "very good"

White kid said, "Barbara Bush"

Teacher said, "very good"


Mexican Kid said, "Barbra-coa"

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,and says:






















"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only possible seat was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Blondie needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings.......and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

:bowrofl::bowrofl::bowrofl:

I actually LoL'd that one.

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me
slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

win!

:roflpuke2::roflpuke2::roflpuke2:

holy **** that is the funniest one i have heard in a long time:roflpuke2:

bump for a friday...

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties." The clerk looked up "Panty Stitcher". Finding it classified as "unskilled labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week. When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties; Pedro puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."

:icon17:

Not really a joke per se, but nowhere else to put it:

Saw this at: http://www.ubersite.com/m/121192

22 years of drug experimentation, alcohol abuse and, according to mum "a conga line of skanks falling out of your bedroom" has led my parents to not expect a vast amount from me in terms of good, or even acceptable, behaviour.

But a boring, hungover session at the computer led to a situation so horrific I can feel the blood flooding my cheeks as I write it, and led to what must have been mum's last shred of hope in me ever becoming anything good flying out the window.

Yesterday I was surfing tube8 for some handy masturbatory aids (midget hunchback men, right? Hurr durr...) and clicking between two different movies. Our internet had slowed to a crawl for whatever reason and I was becoming increasingly irritated at the apparent dislike the "little red worm of loading" had for moving to the right across my screen.

Every time I began to get into the flow of things the movie would stop and sputter like the actresses involved were having epileptic fits. The fact my audio jack is also ******* out led to an unusual syndrome where all I'd hear for 20 seconds was a muffled electric buzz before "**** MY NINETEEN YEAR OLD PUSSY" screamed out through the house at about 150 decibels.

As you can imagine, it was by no means ideal wanking conditions but, as with alcohol, the bad stuff is better than no stuff so I was doing what I could.

"Jesse gets hot **** sandwich" froze again as it reached the meagre limit of its loading potential and I changed windows to see if "Sasha first time cumgoblin fuckstick extravaganza" had loaded (sometimes I think those redtube titles are created by a bot that just inserts the word "****" into everyday sentences. Seriously... "Bitch gets fuckbath she deserves", anyone?).

So I go to switch between windows when a flickery glob appears in the middle of my screen. I click at it angrily a few times and it disappears, so I forget about it instantly and continue what I was doing, which entailed pulling my penis and sweating, and sometimes both.

About 20 seconds of aggressive masturbation later and the sound resolved itself once more, but this time instead of the usual "I love your **** in my pussy!" exclamation it sounded like a harried and struggling voice calling my name.

"Peter. PETER!"

As if that wasn't offputting enough, the voice sounded familiar. Like, a very bad kind of familiar. Like, the kind of voice that says "Have a good day at school, dear!" or "I laid out your jammies and made you some toast, hun."

Mum?

I minimised both windows and it took me some five seconds to realise what I was seeing. At the end of ten seconds, I had learned a number of valuable lessons.

These lessons include:

1. When your mother calls you on Skype, the "Answer" button pops up on top of whatever windows are playing, but if it's a full screen video then the "Answer" button can be flashing and illegible.

2. When you enable webcam calling, the webcam engages as soon as the call is answered.

3. When your mother calls you, only to find you masturbating vigorously in a dark room to what sounds like the mutant offspring of an air conditioning unit and a transformer, she will have trouble looking you in the eye for the remainder of the call.

4. A fully erect penis can become flaccid in 0.2 seconds when shown a small image of its mother, looking pale and asking "What on EARTH are you doing?"

Having made all of these discoveries, I closed skype and sat on my computer, in some combination of horror, shame and precum. I put a shirt on and tried to return the call. Mum answered, but had disabled her webcam and could only manage "Call back when you're ready dear, I'm just going out". I haven't called back.

The look your mother gives you when she sees you masturbating on webcam is unlike any I have seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.

The moral of the story? There isn't one. I'm an idiot.

lol wow...anyone got some new ones...it's been a while

OK here's a Thanksgiving joke I heard last week:

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, ' I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of this misery is enough.

' Pop, what are you talking about?!!? ', the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, ' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her. '

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ' Like heck they're getting divorced, ' she shouts, ' I'll take care of this, '

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, ' You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? ' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way'.

Hahahahaha!!!!

:owned:

:rofl2: WOW!

whats the difference between a pig and fox?

ohhh bout 6 beers...


ohhhhhhh burnnnnn.

LoL 10 - 4 haha

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No" she answered.

I said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watched her for a while and then he asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What is the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."


He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a fuck?"

:icon18:

The economy is so bad....



1.That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

4. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

6. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

10. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

11. The Mafia is laying off judges.

12. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

13. Congress says they are now looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A mute man goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. After looking around a bit he can't find them so he goes up to the counter. The Pharmacist asks what he needs and the man tells him in sign language.

The Pharmacist says he doesn't understand so the mute tries to show him using hand gestures. The Pharmacist says tells him the bathroom is to the left.

Finally the man gets pissed pulls out ten bucks and slaps it on the counter. Then he pulls out his penis and slaps it on the counter and points to it and the money.

The Pharmacist says "Oh, now I understand." He whips out ten bucks and his penis and slaps both on the counter. Then he picks up all the money and puts his penis away.

The mute man starts waving his arms and going wild. The Pharmacist says "Hey, if you don't want to lose then don't bet."

:wtf2: lol

lmao @ bet too hahahahah

haha I know how you like when I update in here Phelan!

:tup: always do

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip up to my room?"

When the pair returned an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Al'bama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

^^ WOW!!

:rofl2:

LOS ANGELES MATH TEST



City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:_____________________
Gang:_____________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Joe has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Richard is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Peter knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?