:excited::tup:

whats worst than being stabbed by Jason?






... being fingered by captain hook.

Did you hear the news!!!! They stopped the oil spill in the gulf of Mexico! What they did was, they put a ring down over the leak – it kinda looked like a wedding ring. Once the ring was put on it stopped putting out!:tup:


:roflpuke2::roflpuke2::roflpuke2:

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

I pushed him.

Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the monkey.

Yes, I love this one. :tup:

A preist and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?".

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.


The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'


'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..


A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'


The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.


'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man.


'Same,' says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?'


'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
right amount of money would always be there....'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'


'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man..


The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'


The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Nice, :bowrofl:

You know, outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is usually too dark to read.

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "FUCK!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

^^ pretty good if I imagine my dumb *** ex-girlfriend mumbling "get the bag, get the bag" and twitching her head when she says it.

A man is walking on the beach and he trips over a lamp. He brushes it off and a genie appears. The genie says, "You may have three wishes, with the caveat that whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will receive double as much."

The man pauses pensively. "First, I want my own island with food and water to support me the rest of my days." The genie obliges, but also bestows the man's ex-wife with an island twice as large and twice as plentiful.

The man is impressed and continues, "I want 50 trillion dollars." The genie obliges, but then also gives 100 trillion to the ex.

"I've given it a lot of thought," says the man, "and for my third wish, I'd like to be beaten half to death."

(Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


Still in shock, Earl

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

"It's about 2:00", he says.

The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.

Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

I posted that one a while back:roflpuke2:

lol Cliff Clavin


"I once went to Las Vegas in a $30,000 Z car and came back in a $250,000 bus."

I know I had read it before, but I didn't know if it was where I get them from or if it was here already.

A despondent man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender approaches him, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "bottle of your strongest, harshest hooch, and keep it coming."

The bartender tries to ask what is wrong, but the man keeps pushing him away.

Finally into his second bottle, the man relents. "I came home early to surprise my wife. I walk in, and there she is in bed with my best friend."

"No," the bartender says comfortingly. "What did you say to her?"

"Well, I says, you get your sh*t and get out of here, you cheating wh*re!"

"Man," says the bartender, "That's hard. But good for you, bro. You told her. Now, what did you say to your best friend?"

The man answered, "I looked that son of a bitch square in the eyes and I said BAD DOG!"

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother ran in the room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen

:icon18:

It's a good one, I still laugh, but I posted it a few pages back already. :tup:

:iagree:

Repost fail lol

in the past 4 pages i mustve read the bp joke atleast 3 times

A man's wife is in a horrendous accident.

At the hospital, several hours later, the doctor emerges from surgery with a solemn look on his face. "Mr. Arnold, your wife is going to make it. But she's suffered considerable damage. She should live for another 40, maybe 50 years, but she'll have no control of her motor function. You'll have to feed her, bathe her, wipe her. Your life will be one of servitude for the rest of your life."

The man starts to collapse in tears, but the doctor interrupts with a big smile, "I'm just fuckin' with ya, she died an hour ago!"

THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
=============================
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

:rofl2:

I never knew Shado moonlighted as a Cowhand??

Learn something new everyday... :roflpuke2:

Hahahahhaa thats pretty good

A male and female whale were swimming by a ship and the male said "why don't we swim over there and knock some sailors into the ocean by spraying water at them and then eat them". The female said "I don't mind the blowjob but I'm not eating seamen".

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

Three ill men meet with their doctor. One is an alcoholic, one is a chain smoker, and one is a sex addict. The doctor says, "If you any of you indulge in your vice again, you will die."

Walking home, the three pass a bar. The alcoholic heads in, orders a shot, drinks it, and falls dead. His companions, severely shaken up, leave the bar. As they continue home, they see a lit cigarette on the ground. The sex addict looks at the chain smoker and says, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

lol

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out
Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for
$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends.

rofl!

A teacher gave her students an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day, the kids came back to class and one by one told stories about spilled milk and pennies saved. When it was little Janie's turn she walked to the front of the class and gave her presentation:

"My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, and then killed the last with her bare hands."

'Good heavens!' exclaimed the teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you the moral of the horrific story was?'

Little Janie replied, "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

:icon18:

Haha this thread is great! Bump for temporary joy!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

From joke.com

:icon18: