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hah!
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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews." |
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too! |
Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted. |
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that? "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "Could be worse I think mine was a witch." "A witch? Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window." |
Top 15 Slogans Rejected By Motel 6
15. Because your neighbor's wife deserves better than the backseat of some car. 14. As seen on COPS. 13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets. 12. Not just for nooners anymore. 11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there. 10. You rented the room, now buy the video. 9. Sure, you could stay some place nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for the hooker. 8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya. 7. Hey! We're not the Ritz but, just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal. 6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER. 5. It's Hookerrific! 4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins. 3. Blurring the line between stains and avant-garde sheet art since 1962. 2. Cheap and easy, just like your sisters. 1. We put the Ho in Hotel. |
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window, and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank." "I see," says the manager, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time? |
Ok, i'm going to stop here.. that should be enough for now...
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Lol nice thanks!
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Someone in the office told me this one today, hopefully Togo hasn't already claimed it but here goes... :tup:
A blond sends me a text saying someone wrote her "IDK" and she asked me what it meant? I said "I don't know" To which she replied, "Gosh, Nobody knows!" |
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: When his hand caught on fire. |
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room ! and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." |
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home." |
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here".
The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug". The next dog then comes in and say's, "My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!". "And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped." |
Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Paul says to the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the holy water before you enter."
The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in. The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "If you think I'm going to gargle that water after she's stuck her ass in it, you're out of your mind!" |
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England. The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York. |
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Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!" |
President Bush and Tony Blair were having a meeting about a third World War.
Blair's wife walks in and asks what they are discussing. Blair responds "We are talking about a third World War." Blair's wife asks "What have you decided?" Bush answers "We are going to kill 13 million Jews and one dentist." With a confused look on her face, Blair's wife asks "Why one dentist?" Blair taps Bush on the back and says "I told you no one would ask about the Jews!" |
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'" |
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, Listen very carefully for....the....last....time I said....."BRING POSSE"! |
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish = 49 Adventurous = Slept with everyone Athletic = No tits Average looking = Ugly Beautiful = Pathological liar Contagious smile = Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure = On medication Feminist = Fat Free spirit = Junkie Friendship first = Former slut Fun = Annoying New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places Old-fashioned = No BJs Open-minded = Desperate Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing Passionate = Sloppy drunk Professional = Bitch Voluptuous = Very Fat Large frame = Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate = Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want.. 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You had better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now! 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you! 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you! 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you! 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you! 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay |
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N. . . I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH |
A minister decided that a visual demonstration that would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" |
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." |
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Hate to say it buddy, but you've already posted this one. :icon14: |
Nice Togo +rep again...
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bump 4 monday
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A guy walks into the bar and notices a jar of money on the counter filled with $10 bills. The Guy ask's the bartender, "what is up with the jar?"
Bartender: You can win the jar full of money if you complete 3 tasks, but it is going to cost you $10. Guy: Ok what are the tasks? Bartender: "Money First, then I will tell you" (So the guy figures he really doesn't mind losing the $10 and figures it would be worth a shot to try maybe) "First task: You have to drink a 1/4 of tequila without making a smirk Second task: You then have to go out back, where there is a Pitbull tied up to a post w/ a sore tooth. You must remove said tooth from the Pitbull. Third task: After you remove the tooth, you then have to go upstairs and have sex with the 90 year old lady who will be waiting for you." Guy: "Screw that" The guy walks away...Later in the night, the guy is completley trashed and goes up to the bartender Guy: "Gimme that Tequila." The guy downs the whole bottle without a smirk Guy: "Where is the DOG!?" Bartender points at the door that leads to the back. At this point the customers in the bar are quite interested to see if the man is going to be able to complete the tasks. They hear Barking, Yelling, Screaming, Growling, and moaning.. the guy walks back into the bar scratched up and bleeding.. "Alright, where is the old lady with the sore tooth?" |
A man walks into a bar....
A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer. What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender. 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. On my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman, with a fantastic body, tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!' 'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?' 'I Don't know. I Never found the head." |
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:iagree: TWFWFSFS
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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School, usually sleeping through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later, the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary was still asleep. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. Mary shouted: "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" |
Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.) Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipsh*t,'" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!! |
:icon18: Awesome!!!!!!!!!!
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lol nice
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