Joke of the Day

vipor · 03-10-2010, 04:06 PM

Dude, JOKE OF THE DAY. Not 80 million jokes 1 day and none after that for a month!

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:06 PM

A girl walks into a bar in Texas , orders a beer and sits down at the bar where a Mexican and an Iraqi are also drinking beers.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches her glass. She says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice".

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipor

Dude, JOKE OF THE DAY. Not 80 million jokes 1 day and none after that for a month!

Hahaha I had to make up for all the missed days. I'll try to stay on top of it more..

either way, I'm done for today.. lol

vipor · 03-10-2010, 04:08 PM

gj

loved the Pope one

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipor

gj

loved the Pope one

haha yeah that one made me laugh too..

Togo · 03-11-2010, 04:37 PM

It was a few days after Thanksgiving vacation and the first grade teacher was having her students tell about their vacation.

The first little girl says, "We went to visit Nana."

The teacher corrected her, "We're big kids now, we don't say Nana, we say Grandma."

The next kid says, "We went to Na...er..Grandma's house and I got to play with a choo choo."

The teacher corrected him and said, "WE say train not choo choo."

And then it was Little Johnny's turn, "WE went to Nana....er...Grandma's house and she read me a book."

The teacher says, "That's very good Johnny, what was the name of the book?"

Little Johnny answers, "It was Winnie the... shit."

370zproject · 03-11-2010, 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A girl walks into a bar in Texas , orders a beer and sits down at the bar where a Mexican and an Iraqi are also drinking beers.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches her glass. She says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

It was a few days after Thanksgiving vacation and the first grade teacher was having her students tell about their vacation.

The first little girl says, "We went to visit Nana."

The teacher corrected her, "We're big kids now, we don't say Nana, we say Grandma."

The next kid says, "We went to Na...er..Grandma's house and I got to play with a choo choo."

The teacher corrected him and said, "WE say train not choo choo."

And then it was Little Johnny's turn, "WE went to Nana....er...Grandma's house and she read me a book."

The teacher says, "That's very good Johnny, what was the name of the book?"

Little Johnny answers, "It was Winnie the... shit."

Togo · 03-12-2010, 06:10 PM

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

XwChriswX · 03-12-2010, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

370zproject · 03-14-2010, 12:40 AM

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Togo · 03-14-2010, 08:54 AM

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire,"

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens,"

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

Togo · 03-14-2010, 09:00 AM

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also December 1st, twice on the 3rd, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful!

XwChriswX · 03-14-2010, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

So be careful!

Your Wife/Mistress/GF/Sig. Other/Night Visitor/ FwB/etc. doesn't shop at Home Depot does she?!

Edit: Togo's scared of the W word, so I added in extra selections.

Togo · 03-14-2010, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XwChriswX

Your wife doesn't shop at Home Depot does she?!

WIFE?!?! Woahhhhh...

I think the "W" word should be sensored.

XwChriswX · 03-14-2010, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

WIFE?!?! Woahhhhh...

I think the "W" word should be sensored.

Edited.

03-10-2010, 04:06 PM	#631 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 41 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 48	Dude, JOKE OF THE DAY. Not 80 million jokes 1 day and none after that for a month! __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

03-10-2010, 04:06 PM	#632 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	A girl walks into a bar in Texas , orders a beer and sits down at the bar where a Mexican and an Iraqi are also drinking beers. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches her glass. She says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice". __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:08 PM	#634 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 41 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 48	gj loved the Pope one __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

03-11-2010, 04:37 PM	#636 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	It was a few days after Thanksgiving vacation and the first grade teacher was having her students tell about their vacation. The first little girl says, "We went to visit Nana." The teacher corrected her, "We're big kids now, we don't say Nana, we say Grandma." The next kid says, "We went to Na...er..Grandma's house and I got to play with a choo choo." The teacher corrected him and said, "WE say train not choo choo." And then it was Little Johnny's turn, "WE went to Nana....er...Grandma's house and she read me a book." The teacher says, "That's very good Johnny, what was the name of the book?" Little Johnny answers, "It was Winnie the... shit." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-12-2010, 06:10 PM	#638 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!! HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share. HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE : Okay, get out. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE : Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it. HE : Where have you been all my life? SHE : Hiding from you. HE : Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE : Is this seat empty? SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE : So, what do you do for a living? SHE : I'm a female impersonator. HE : Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE : Do not enter. HE : Your body is like a temple. SHE : Sorry, there are no services today. HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-14-2010, 12:40 AM	#640 (permalink)
370zproject A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Memphis Age: 34 Posts: 16,104 Drives: 09 A/T 370z blue Rep Power: 52	A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch." __________________ Brake Upgrade Package ate blue, hawk hp ceramic pads, and slotted rotors

03-14-2010, 08:54 AM	#641 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, Whittier got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire," Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens," Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, Whittier got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, Whittier got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-14-2010, 09:00 AM	#642 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also December 1st, twice on the 3rd, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So be careful! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan Last edited by Togo; 03-14-2010 at 12:10 PM.