Joke of the Day

TX_370

LOL @ Tech Support

__________________

SGTseanzie

Have you heard the joke about the two gay Irishmen?

Two guys named Patrick Fitzgerald, and Gerald Fitzpatrick....

I forgot how it went, though.

__________________
--"If you want peace, prepare for war."
-Flavius Vegetius Renatus

SGTseanzie

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

__________________
--"If you want peace, prepare for war."
-Flavius Vegetius Renatus

Mergnthwirker

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

370zproject

where do Bees go to the bathroom?



The BP station

frost

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

vipor

__________________

2009 NISMO # 0193 | QAB | Albums! | 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq
Oil Cooler (DIY) | Custom Headlights | GTSPEC Braces | F.I. Long Tube Headers

Togo

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

frost

hah!

Togo

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too!

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "Could be worse I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Top 15 Slogans Rejected By Motel 6


15. Because your neighbor's wife deserves better than the backseat of some car.

14. As seen on COPS.

13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.

12. Not just for nooners anymore.

11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10. You rented the room, now buy the video.

9. Sure, you could stay some place nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for the hooker.

8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya.

7. Hey! We're not the Ritz but, just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal.

6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER.

5. It's Hookerrific!

4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

3. Blurring the line between stains and avant-garde sheet art since 1962.

2. Cheap and easy, just like your sisters.

1. We put the Ho in Hotel.

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window, and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan