Joke of the Day

StLRedrider · 07-07-2009, 05:58 PM

Togo · 07-07-2009, 08:54 PM

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

bigaudiofanat · 07-07-2009, 10:18 PM

So a priest a minister and a Rabi are sitting in a bar. They start talking about the money from collection. The priest says here is what I do I draw a circle stand in the middle of it throw the money up whatever lands outside the circle I keep whatever lands inside I give to god. The minister says I do something simulator I draw a circle stand in the middle of it I throw the money up whatever lands inside the circle I keep whatever lands outside I give to god. The Rabi says I do something similar I stand up make a circle throw the money up whatever stays in the air I give to god whatever lands of the floor I keep.

bigaudiofanat · 07-07-2009, 10:22 PM

Bill Gates, Pres Obama, and the national security guy were all flying in the air. They start talking about helping people. The national security says I can throw a 1000 dollar bill out the window and make someone happy, Bill gates says I can throw 5 100 dollar bills out and make 5 people happy. Obama says I can make 100 people happy and throw 1000 100 dollar bills out the window. The pilot yells back to them and says I can make millions happy and crash this plane!

bigaudiofanat · 07-07-2009, 10:33 PM

Guy is at a bar and he keeps drinking and drinking and drinking. The bartender says your done I am cutting you off. He says I am not drunk at all goes to get up falls flat on his face. He gets up and says maybe I am a little drunk. Goes to take another step falls flat on his face. So he crawls to the door and gets up and opens the door falls flat on his face. He says okay I probably am drunk. So he crawls home gets home and there are stairs. So he gets up to go up them and goes to take a step and falls again. So he went to sleep at the bottom of the stairs. In the morning the wife wakes up and sees that he is not in bed and goes to the top of the stairs and yells down. I see that you were out drinking last night he looks up and says why do you say that. She replies the bar called you left your wheelchair there.

Togo · 07-08-2009, 03:07 PM

I've heard that last one before but it always gets me.

Togo · 07-08-2009, 03:08 PM

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

edeeZee · 07-08-2009, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigaudiofanat

So a priest a minister and a Rabi are sitting in a bar. They start talking about the money from collection. The priest says here is what I do I draw a circle stand in the middle of it throw the money up whatever lands outside the circle I keep whatever lands inside I give to god. The minister says I do something simulator I draw a circle stand in the middle of it I throw the money up whatever lands inside the circle I keep whatever lands outside I give to god. The Rabi says I do something similar I stand up make a circle throw the money up whatever stays in the air I give to god whatever lands of the floor I keep.

...I wouldn't tell this to my Jewish friends though.

NewlyIMPORTed · 07-08-2009, 11:50 PM

so super man gets really horny one day and decided to find a girl. so he fly's around gotham and sees wonder woman tanning on top of the justice league building butt naked full spread eagle so he says to himself you know i'm super man i'm faster than a speeding bullet i could swoop down and be in and out before she knows it. so he circles around fly's down does his thing and is out. wonder woman looks up and say what the h*$$ was that and invisible man says idk but my a$$ really hurts
-hollow man-

edeeZee · 07-09-2009, 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewlyIMPORTed

so super man gets really horny one day and decided to find a girl. so he fly's around gotham and sees wonder woman tanning on top of the justice league building butt naked full spread eagle so he says to himself you know i'm super man i'm faster than a speeding bullet i could swoop down and be in and out before she knows it. so he circles around fly's down does his thing and is out. wonder woman looks up and say what the h*$$ was that and invisible man says idk but my a$$ really hurts
-hollow man-

But I remember this in middleschool...Gosh, do you guys/gals remember Blanch Knott's "Truly Tasteless Jokes?" Nothing was sacred: racism, politics, sexism, stereotypes...

Togo · 07-09-2009, 03:37 PM

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

Togo · 07-09-2009, 03:37 PM

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

Togo · 07-09-2009, 03:38 PM

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Togo · 07-09-2009, 03:40 PM

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Togo · 07-10-2009, 08:06 PM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

07-07-2009, 05:58 PM	#16 (permalink)
StLRedrider A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: St.louis,Mo Posts: 17,755 Drives: O9Sprt/Touring,p-51 Rep Power: 60	__________________ Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today J.Dean

07-07-2009, 08:54 PM	#17 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	Blonde Paint Job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

07-07-2009, 10:18 PM	#18 (permalink)
bigaudiofanat Car Audio Installer Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Magnolia DE Posts: 8,342 Drives: 2012 Infiniti G37x Rep Power: 852	So a priest a minister and a Rabi are sitting in a bar. They start talking about the money from collection. The priest says here is what I do I draw a circle stand in the middle of it throw the money up whatever lands outside the circle I keep whatever lands inside I give to god. The minister says I do something simulator I draw a circle stand in the middle of it I throw the money up whatever lands inside the circle I keep whatever lands outside I give to god. The Rabi says I do something similar I stand up make a circle throw the money up whatever stays in the air I give to god whatever lands of the floor I keep. __________________ Need help with car audio or electronics? Let me know!! Need Help Let Me Know Direct email address reimermatt@gmail.com Owner of: Dynamic Mobile Audio Follow me below https://www.facebook.com/Dynamicmobileaudio/

07-07-2009, 10:22 PM	#19 (permalink)
bigaudiofanat Car Audio Installer Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Magnolia DE Posts: 8,342 Drives: 2012 Infiniti G37x Rep Power: 852	Bill Gates, Pres Obama, and the national security guy were all flying in the air. They start talking about helping people. The national security says I can throw a 1000 dollar bill out the window and make someone happy, Bill gates says I can throw 5 100 dollar bills out and make 5 people happy. Obama says I can make 100 people happy and throw 1000 100 dollar bills out the window. The pilot yells back to them and says I can make millions happy and crash this plane! __________________ Need help with car audio or electronics? Let me know!! Need Help Let Me Know Direct email address reimermatt@gmail.com Owner of: Dynamic Mobile Audio Follow me below https://www.facebook.com/Dynamicmobileaudio/ Last edited by bigaudiofanat; 07-07-2009 at 10:36 PM.

07-07-2009, 10:33 PM	#20 (permalink)
bigaudiofanat Car Audio Installer Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Magnolia DE Posts: 8,342 Drives: 2012 Infiniti G37x Rep Power: 852	Guy is at a bar and he keeps drinking and drinking and drinking. The bartender says your done I am cutting you off. He says I am not drunk at all goes to get up falls flat on his face. He gets up and says maybe I am a little drunk. Goes to take another step falls flat on his face. So he crawls to the door and gets up and opens the door falls flat on his face. He says okay I probably am drunk. So he crawls home gets home and there are stairs. So he gets up to go up them and goes to take a step and falls again. So he went to sleep at the bottom of the stairs. In the morning the wife wakes up and sees that he is not in bed and goes to the top of the stairs and yells down. I see that you were out drinking last night he looks up and says why do you say that. She replies the bar called you left your wheelchair there. __________________ Need help with car audio or electronics? Let me know!! Need Help Let Me Know Direct email address reimermatt@gmail.com Owner of: Dynamic Mobile Audio Follow me below https://www.facebook.com/Dynamicmobileaudio/

07-08-2009, 03:07 PM	#21 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	I've heard that last one before but it always gets me.

07-08-2009, 03:08 PM	#22 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

07-08-2009, 11:50 PM	#24 (permalink)
NewlyIMPORTed A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: Kennesaw, GA Posts: 1,109 Drives: 11 STI Sedan Rep Power: 17	so super man gets really horny one day and decided to find a girl. so he fly's around gotham and sees wonder woman tanning on top of the justice league building butt naked full spread eagle so he says to himself you know i'm super man i'm faster than a speeding bullet i could swoop down and be in and out before she knows it. so he circles around fly's down does his thing and is out. wonder woman looks up and say what the h*$$ was that and invisible man says idk but my a$$ really hurts -hollow man-

07-09-2009, 03:37 PM	#26 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

07-09-2009, 03:37 PM	#27 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

07-09-2009, 03:38 PM	#28 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

07-09-2009, 03:40 PM	#29 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

07-10-2009, 08:06 PM	#30 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 656	Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!