Failed idle air learning, stalled, won't start!

nismoZium

Update:

Snuck home during my lunch break to try a few things, still no luck. I pulled each one of the crank position sensors (and then both) and tried to start - same symptoms. I threw a bottle of techron in the tank but my 5gal can is empty so I'll have to add more tonight. The only thing that strikes me as a little strange is when the motor is cranking and trying to start the battery gauge goes dim and down to nothing, and then pops back up to normal battery voltage (currently ~12.5V after some cranking) when it's done trying.

Still no DTCs other than the crank position ones from pulling them. Oh and I observed the belt in daylight - it's moving with the cranking sound of the starter, so the motor is turning.