RicerX's 2016 Nissan Maxima Review

[RicerX]

A few weeks ago, I drove a 2016 Nissan Maxima similar to this thing.



It had an interior sort of like this:


Well... there's something about the Maxima. Nissan calls it a 4DSC, which is a thirty-year-old acronym for "4 Door Sports Car". Nissan doesn't want you to forget that it is a 4DSC. One way they ensured this would happen is by making the car have ALL OF THE 4DSC everywhere.

A 4DSC shifter:


A 4DSC light:


Another 4DSC light:


And yet another 4DSC light to match the other one:


Wait... this isn't a 4DSC engine though...


And there's not a single goddamn 4DSC button to be found.


Thank god it has 4DSC eyes that look like they're ready to steal the soul of the nearest Camry at night.


But it has sort of a 4DSC mode, but instead, it's called sport. Instead of something cool like "4DSC POWER ACTIVATE" or "ALL FOUR DOORS ENGAGE SPORT".



So I used the sport mode and tried to engage the 4DSC powers.

To my surprise, everything I knew about sports cars was wrong. Like when I pressed the gas and the front wheels chirped. Or when it was time for the transmission to shift BUT IT DIDN'T. Or when I turned into a corner and tried to throttle out of it, but instead BRAKES WERE ACTIVATED BY THE GAS PEDAL using some feature called "Active Trace Control", or ATC, but should have been called something like "4 Door Safety Control" or "Driving at age 15 with my Driver's Ed instructor in the car".

This 4 Door Sports Car was also very quiet inside, except when you turned on the music. For some reason, THE STEREO PLAYS ENGINE SOUNDS GUYS. You don't get to cruise down the highway listening to Katy Perry while wearing your skinny jeans. Instead, you hear what is supposedly "Active Sound Enhancement", which is another misnomer in my honest opinion, because I would have gone with "4 Door Sounds of Cars" or "This is what it's like to be inside of a Prius".

This 4 Door Sports Car was also very roomy inside. The center console's cupholders could hold up to 6 keys to real sports cars that you could use once you're done your Costco trip. The trunk could fit half of a set of wheels and tires for your actual sports car, but I don't know why you'd put them there.

This 4 Door Sports Car had a revamped interior that was designed with the help of fighter jet pilots. FIGHTER JET PILOTS. YOU GUYS.


Pictured: A ******* fighter jet. Somewhere inside this lies inspiration for a commuter car.

Instead of keeping things cost effective and grabbing a couple of the lead designers for the GT-R for this ENTIRE PROJECT, they grabbed JET FIGHTER PILOTS... for the INTERIOR ONLY. The GT-R guys were apparently all booked up. This is kind of like hiring the guy that organizes the Apple iPhone events to consult the planning of your biggest annual frat party, but only letting him help you with seating. "Guys, we have the sorority girls and the beer covered."

We could have had a ******* afterburner on this Maxima, complete with two nuclear payloads for people that text and drive and cut me off on the way to Target. Instead, we have a bunch of meaningless acronyms and a GPS that is angled toward the driver by 7 degrees.

I am disappoint.