Joke #1:


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started....


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Joke #2:

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #3:

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #4:

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ****. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke#5:

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....

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Joke#6:

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** ************************
Joke#7:

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself." I replied.


And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *********************
Joke #8:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And that's when the fight started....


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Joke #9:

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silverhair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #10:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #11:

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.


And that's when the fight started....

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Joke #12:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'


And that's when the fight started....

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

K you guys got lost on the way to the joke thread...

:bowrofl: First thing I thought of, too! "Did I click the wrong link?"

lol sorry just following the trend... HAHA ;)

hahah that is pretty funny :D

That smiley is funnier than some of the pics

Don't watch this if you have a weak stomach.

YouTube - The biggest zit in the world!

^

http://stuffblackpeoplehate.files.wo...8/07/vomit.jpg

I've seen that before semtex. That is pretty ******* awful.

Yeah I couldn't finish watching it myself. I nearly hurled. I can't believe the guy didn't scream or anything.

Thanks frost...looks just like what came outta him. :icon08:

That thing was like an iceburg. There was much under the surface we didn't know about

Lets just keep it that way......

x2

I can't imagine what it smelt like.

... dude ...

Sorry did that thought cross the line?

:wtf2:

No, I just hadn't considered that :icon17:

^ Oh I got ya. :D

Damm! They should of called the Guinness people to officiate and he could of set the record for the biggest zit and he could of been put in the Guinness book. Just disgusting.

http://www.cslacker.com/images/file/...smosis_cat.jpg
http://www.cslacker.com/images/file/...t_infantry.jpg
http://www.cslacker.com/images/file/...appy_plane.jpg
http://www.cslacker.com/images/file/...dak_moment.jpg
http://www.cslacker.com/images/file/...n_suparman.jpg
http://www.cslacker.com/images/file/mediums/mcfail.jpg
http://www.cslacker.com/images/file/...is_sparta1.jpg

^hhahaha nice

Semtex...

wtf is wrong with you

I just spent 15 bucks at a restraunt on food

and now it's ALL over my lap...

but then again my fault, I didn't read the disclaimer first LOL

Yeah, I was about to eat lunch when I saw it. I haven't been hungry since.

That is f*ucked up

Hit and Run!
 

Look at this dumbass! :bowrofl:


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/...pg?w=500&h=375

He didn't have any paper to leave a note

:bowrofl:

I love when the S2K get involved! :happydance:

that s2k launched it

I forgot to warn people, the guys laugh is a bit irritating. :/

My girl looks up from her computer and goes "that's more of a cackle than a laugh"

lol yeah it is.

that was so random......lol

Random is how I rolL...