Jerry-rig a car's ignition to set-off explosives placed under the driver's seat

Kicking someone in the nuts with steel-toed boots until their gonads are a bloody pulp

Listening to my ex-wife sing "Dominique" in falsetto voice while badly strumming her off-key and out-of-tune guitar while strapped in a chair, naked, for 12 hours straight -- making you long for the sweet relief of death

Munching on some smelly carpet taco and inhaling the stench til your eyes tear up.

Nuts in a bench-vise

Open-toed sandals on your ex wife after you told her to kick rocks (see what I did there)

Putting Q-tips too deep into the ear canal -- against all popular wisdom -- but it feels so damned good

Quicksand up to your neck while I Happy Gilmore a golf ball off your head.

Ramming hot pokers into one's family jewels while dressed like Julie Andrews and singing all the hit songs from Sound of Music off-key

Sticking a wine bottle up a girl's clit and then kicking her in the stomach just to break it

Taking hot coals and dropping them into one's speedo

urinating in a light socket

visiting in-laws and live with them for a week

wrapping wire around your nuts then sticking the end in a light socket

Xacto knife