I need relationship advice
 

I have known a girl for 3.5 years, I first meet her at a bank and thought she was cute so I asked for her number. We dated on and off for the 3.5 years. The catch? She has a 4 year old daughter. I will say that every time we breakup either with each other or with someone else we come back to each other. The main reason for breakup either she would be to scared about opening up to me or push me away. But it seems last time we broke up she seems to be changing and understands that she should not run from someone nice like me.

My question is this simply. Should I give us another shot we both love each other and it's not lust either. Or should I walk away and stay friends?
Please take this seriously or :gtfo2:

My friend, i think you've answered your own question :]

I say go for it, you will never know if you give up now. Don't live with "what ifs", you'll regret it later down the road! :tup:

based on what you wrote, I say go for it one LAST time, if it doesn't work out, then move on but at least you won't ever be wondering what if.

You both should sit down and put everything out on the table. Just be honest with each other about why you guys fight in the first place. Relationships take work from both sides.

Honestly, I've always said love isn't enough. Relationships are hard work. Try asking yourself this, objectively speaking, if you didn't love her, what else do you think a relationship with her would have going for it? What positives are there besides love?

Just my .02

Even if you decide not to, you will. Enjoy it while it's there. See what happens.

I'd say be patient with her. She'll open up to you if she wants to. If she doesn't, it's not a good idea to pry.

Live in the moment, it's not going anywhere.

I say leave it alone....

If your the nice one then your the one going for a ride! Don't do it, enjoy what you had but don't jump in.

^^^^

my first marriage

:(

I'd say give it a shot if that's what you're feeling.
But don't put so much pressure on yourself and especially her. If she isn't opening up to you or is pushing away, there's a trust issue. Not necessarily a trust issue with you, but you have to build someone's trust. It doesn't normally just happen.

If you're that interested, then you're always going to wonder.

Sooner or later, she'll love you as much as we do. :tup:

all the people who have been divorced/had their mom cheat on their dad/have other issues with women will say you should walk away. all the people who married their highschool sweetheart will say you should go for it. (obviously those are the two extremes) the advice has less to do with your situation, and more to do with the experiences of those who you are asking. its never cut and dry with relationships. that being said. i personally have been in those relationships where you try and give it a shot over and over again, but ultimately it doesn't work. i'm not saying that is what is going on here, but its something you have to see for yourself, no one can tell you to walk away before you feel its the right move, and no one can tell you to try and work it out if you think walking away is the right move. but chances are if you are saying what you've said, it seems like you have tried everything you can.

I agree with the above

I'm early into my marriage, and just had my 1st son 6 days ago. The love is great but so much else makes up the relationship...I'd be concerned with the willingness to walk away...it takes a lot of work, u don't want someone who is quick to throw in the towel

Agreed with Jeffblue.
Knew this girl since HS, we were always on and off. For almost 10 years. Couple of years ago she comes back, and we dabble with taking another shot, but she has a child now, even though I would have loved to have had both of them in my life, her an I both realized after some time, it just wasn't meant to be. I still love her. I probably always will. Part of me thinks she still loves me. I'm not sure. We don't talk about it anymore. I've moved on and so has she. Do what you feel to be right, and know to be right.

Just remember, your not just taking her, she's coming with the kid too.

Forgot to mention, we still keep in touch. Can't say so much that we're damned good friends because we don't talk all the time, but we check in on each other from time to time.

I say move on. It sounds like it's not working out. There's a saying about how, "the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."

She's not going to change, and it sounds like you're a safety net, the person she runs to when she's broken up and needs to feel better about herself.

That being said, I'm no expert, and I've only read what you've posted. I don't know the entire situation.

Every situation is different....

Truth, which is why one should probably not ask relationship advice on a car forum to start with :bowrofl::bowrofl::bowrofl:

It sounds like either you or her (or both) aren't prepared for the sort of stable relationship you're envisioning and trying for. At the very least you need to re-examine your expectations with reference to reality. You might be able to find a happy medium where you tone down your expectations, and instead of an on-again/off-again headbanging cycle of breakups, you could just settle into a relationship that's lighter in its time and/or exclusivity requirements. If on careful re-examination you don't think you can handle that in the long term, then just get out for good and save yourself some trouble.

Relationships are not about possession or conquest, they're about two people actively wanting the same thing from the relationship. If you both have the same expectations and desires, there's no reason for the cyclic breakups.

She has realized that she needs to open up more and wants to do that now. She always says that she is to late to tell me her feelings. But this time she has before I have moved on.


The kid stand point I understand that she comes along as well.


What do I want to hear? I want to hear give it another shot. But than again is it just doing the same thing over?

I think this is a good place to start. If you are wanting to hear from her that you should give it another shot then tell her you want to hear her say this.

Also tell her you understand the kid comes with the relationship. For some, kids are occupational hazards, for others, kids are awesome and working with them can help grow and stregthen the relationship while deepening the levels trust between each other. Hopefully, you are more of the latter than the former.

This is the best advice in the thread, in my opinion.

It is better to have loved and lost, then to have not loved at all. Leave and you will always be thinking what "could've been." Life's about chances and when you want to take them.

maybe she dosent want to drag you into the situation. with her having a kid and all.
she thinks you can do better and dont want to hold you back. maybe ?

but hey.its your life,i say go for it or eles like every one has alread said, " what if "

:iagree:

AND communication is the key, silence can be deadly.

100% communication is key.

Thing is, you have a track record with this girl. She's just as much a part of this decision as you are. She might not be willing to work it out, regardless of what you "decide," and regardless of what she tells you.

Sounds like a relationship I was previously in. Borderline personality disorder (look it up), means hot/cold girl, manipulative, stirs up drama for the sake of it, constantly looking for additional support, etc. Sounds like she needs more from you, than you from her.

I say : Move on. You'd be surprised at where life goes after you aren't anchored down.

Ya I am thinking I want to meet new girls "even though I suck at it 6 times out of ten."

You say you two love each other, but as a man who's been married for almost 11 years it takes more than love for "happily ever after" to work.

Me and my wife were friends on and off for about 4 yrs prior to starting our relationship. The key was that while we were friends there was never any betrayal or loss of trust.

That is important for you in reexamining this relationship. A stable long term relationship will never work if any of the breakups were caused by cheating, lying, or continuously hurt feelings by either of you.


If I were in this situation and deciding to pursue rekindling a relationship I'd take it very slow and keep passion out of it as long as I could. Work on your friendship first because the best couples are the best friends.

:iagree::iagree:

Since I'm probably old enough to be your father, I say walk away. Trust me. :tup:

I know it sounds like I'm just giving you a hard time, but 4/10 would be an awesome success rate. More realistic success rate is more like 1/20 to get a 2-4 month "trial" out of it. Of those trials, 1/5 stick around for >1 year. At least that's how it was for me in college, years ago.

I say walk away. Increase your exposure to the type of girl you want to end up with. Most people meet their spouses at functions associated with work, but not exactly AT work, so to speak. I met my girl in graduate school.

"Love" is a winner-take-all, cutthroat game. The only secret is to know when to walk away. Marry the girl who's a little "boring", but is your absolute best friend, and is dedicated to helping you reach whatever goals you have. The super exciting ones tend to have personality disorders.

If the thought of being with another girl besides her (even if you dont know who she is and is just a hypothetical person) makes you even the slightest bit excited/happy, then she isn't the right girl. If you're with the right girl (not necessarily your soul mate or someone you will marry, just the right girl) then you won't be thinking about what other girls you might be able to get with etc, because you'll be fully thinking about that one girl. Right now you are weighing your options. when you are truly happy with someone, or theres someone you REALLY want to be with, you dont weigh your options, because you know deep down there is only one option, being with that person... but that doesn't sound like the situation here.

right now it sound like if another girl came along and was just the right thing for you, you would probably stop talking to this girl and move on. So, it sounds like you aren't really holding on to this girl in particular because she's so amazing, its more out of a fear of thinking you'll find something better, but there is always something better, so don't settle for a bad situation. Trust me, it gets a lot better than settling for a some on/off relationship with a girl who ditches you, then come's back to you when she's upset about the guy she just got involved with after she broke up with you....and that's not even counting the fact that she has a kid.

Matt come on out here to DC, theres plenty to choose from, brother.

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I couldn't walk away, I will give it one more chance. I told her this is it do or die.

This. Cut ties and move on to someone new. You deserve to find a girl who will reciprocate the amount of respect and love that you give her.

Cut ur loss, throw the old baggage outta ur life.

I'd say get a marriage counselor. I understand that you are not married but a counselor can help both of you communicate. If she has real issues in about trust, that is serious and needs to be addressed. Trust issues will not go away on there own, they just get worse.

If you want it to work out for the both of you, you both need to get the trust stuff fixed or break it off before the real bad stuff starts.

IMO